


Firestarter

by paxton1976



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Otabek Altin, Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Alternate Universe - Firefighters, Alternate Universe- Paramedics, Anger, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Avoidance, Burns, Car Accidents, Caretaking, Complete, Confessions, Dating, Death, Developing Relationship, Drunken Kissing, Drunkenness, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language, Falling In Love, Hate Sex, Heavy Angst, Hurting Otabek, Implied Sexual Content, Injury Recovery, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Institutions, Moving In Together, One Night Stands, Overcoming Struggles, Permanent Injury, Physical Confrontation, Please Don't Kill Me, Rejection, Second Chances, Serious Injuries, Smoking, Supportive Otabek, Supportive Yuri, What Have I Done, Yuri has Anger Issues, turning point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-14 12:54:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11783577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976
Summary: Otabek returns from vacation to meet the new paramedic in town, but is taken aback by Yuri's cold demeanor until he becomes aware of his past.Yuri jerked upright in bed.  The nightmare of events many months ago still plagued him despite intensive therapy and relocating.  He held out a hand and tried to still the violent tremors racking his body.  That night had changed his life forever, had changed who he was.  Gone was the jovial prankster, replaced by a cold husk of a man that expected full accountability by all.“Please,” Yuri whispered into the dark, grabbing a bottle of pills from his nightstand and taking two, “Leave me be.  Rest.  It’s not my fault.  I tried.  Blame the fucking firefighters.”





	1. Ascent From Hell

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with something new. Had some things happen that are really kinda horrible, but you can check it out on my tumblr. So I'm back for real now. 
> 
> So, since things have been going kinda bleh, this fic is going to be so much darker than I had originally anticipated. This will probably be the darkest YOI fic I ever write, but I want it to be told. It's been therapy for me.
> 
> Notes:  
> 1) The meds Yuri reaches for in the middle of the night will later be revealed as Ativan. It's a benzodiazepine. They are rapid acting anti-anxiety medication and they are absolutely horrible.  
> 2) Ladder is a ladder truck. I'd personally hate to wash it.  
> I think that's about it for now. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter. If you want to send me your heart or soul, my email address is in my profile. 
> 
> Love and missed you guys. Pax is back.

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

He could see the crunched metal wrapped around the trunk of the tree like it was yesterday, the smell of gasoline and smoke filling the night air.  The accident had occurred on a road that wasn’t frequented often but was notorious for a plethora of wrecks.  When he pulled up to the scene, he shook his head sadly.

“Damn, this is bad,” Yuri muttered to himself as he put the car in park.

Climbing out of the vehicle, Yuri spun around when he saw a pair of headlights approach.  He lifted a hand in greeting as his partner he’d been paired with recently parked behind his small sedan.  When he heard the man belch and stumble out of his truck, Yuri closed his eyes and sighed.  Mason was known for indulging in alcohol often, not caring whether he was on call or not.  Yuri had brought up his concern with his commander when assignments were announced, but the man brushed him off, telling him Mason knew his limits.

“Hey Yuri,” Mason said, hiccupping when he reached him. 

“You up for this, man?” Yuri asked, stepping back when the smell of alcohol hit him.

“Yeah.  Let’s see what we got.”

The remainder of the night seemed like a blur, but he remembered every detail: the cries in the back seat, the woman slumped over the steering wheel.  Yuri could feel the anger rising in him when he couldn’t get the door open despite the help of the passenger.  He looked up and glared at Mason, watching him fumble through a metal box in the back of his truck for a crowbar.  He wanted to roar at his incompetent partner, but he had to stay calm for the occupants of the vehicle.  The high-pitched whine of sirens could be heard in the distance, growing louder each passing second.

“Mason!” Yuri yelled, “Crowbar.  Now!”

“Gimme a minute.”

“Might want to make that less than a second!” he shouted, looking to the back of the car and seeing the flicker of a flame, “Now!”

Time seemed to creep by in slow motion as the fire jumped along the car.  Yuri’s body filled with adrenaline and he yanked at the door with every ounce of strength he had.  He didn’t hear the fire engine grind to a halt behind him, didn’t acknowledge the shouts of the firefighters rushing from the truck.  He pulled at the door frantically while screaming at his partner.  When Yuri felt hands on his arms, he looked up at the window and into a pair of resigned eyes.  His breath caught when he saw the passenger nod and Yuri felt himself being dragged away from the vehicle.  His head darted from side to side and he glared at his colleagues pulling him back, protesting there was still time.  Turning his attention back to the car, all Yuri could do was stare.  The dancing flames had transformed into a blaze and the smell of gasoline was overpowering.  He watched in horror as the car was engulfed in fire, the sounds of anguished screaming only halting when a loud explosion pierced the night and light flashed in the dark sky.  Strong hands held him up so the concussive wave wouldn’t knock him over, but Yuri fell to his knees.  He was numb, he was heartbroken.  Yuri was no stranger to death in his profession, but this one was preventable.

“I could have…” he whined before collapsing on the asphalt and bursting into tears.

* * *

Yuri jerked upright in bed.  The nightmare of events many months ago still plagued him despite intensive therapy and relocating.  He held out a hand and tried to still the violent tremors racking his body.  That night had changed his life forever, had changed who he was.  Gone was the jovial prankster, replaced by a cold husk of a man that expected full accountability by all.

“Please,” Yuri whispered into the dark, grabbing a bottle of pills from his nightstand and taking two, “Leave me be.  Rest.  It’s not my fault.  I tried.  Blame the fucking firefighters.”

* * *

“Hey Altin, have a good vacation?”

Otabek finished lacing his boot and lifted his head, smiling when his chief sat on the bench next to him.  The portly man had taken a chance on him a couple years ago, and Otabek owed him everything.  He had wanted to be a firefighter since he was a young boy and had almost given up his dream.  Having been turned down by various cities for lack of experience, Otabek pleaded with the chief of his last shot. He promised to train harder than any rookie before him and vowed to learn everything he could.  The chief had been impressed by Otabek’s enthusiasm and told him he’d think about it, vowing to get back to him the following day.  Otabek was on pins and needles until the chief called.  His heart beat rapidly when the number popped up on the caller ID and he took a deep breath before answering.  When the chief informed him he would hire him, Otabek thanked him profusely and listened to the details of his first day.  Thanking him once again before hanging up, Otabek shouted enthusiastically until his neighbor pounded on the shared wall of their apartments.  Otabek went to sleep the happiest man on the planet that night.

He stuck true to his word and trained hard.  There were days he wondered what he had gotten himself into, but once the chief decided he was ready for live drills, Otabek knew he made the right decision in following his heart.  The work was tough and draining, but fulfilling.  He loved that he made an impact in the community and helped save lives.  The loss of a single soul broke his heart, and he took it harder than most.  Many a night the chief had to console Otabek until he realized it was out of his hands and there was nothing else that could be done.  Otabek vowed to do better next time.

“Yeah, it was nice.  I think I gained twenty pounds while I was away.  Mom made a three-course meal every night,” Otabek jested.

“Guess you’re going to have to hit the gym hard,” the chief joked, “I’m glad you’re back.  Everyone missed you.”

“I missed them, too.”

“Time to get to it.  You and Aidan get to wash the ladder,” he stated, groaning as he stood up and left the room.

“Yeah, welcome back,” Otabek grumbled.

* * *

Otabek had almost finished washing the truck with his co-worker when the alarm sounded.  The familiar rush flowed through him when he heard the bell.  He suited up quickly and climbed into the engine.  On the way, dispatch relayed it was a house fire, but everyone had vacated the building.  An ambulance was requested as one of the occupants had suffered smoke inhalation.

“I hope to hell that new medic doesn’t show up,” the driver said as the truck sped through the town.

“New medic?” Otabek asked.

“Yeah.  He’s a real charmer.”

“I can’t wait,” he deadpanned.

When they arrived at their destination, the house was nearly engulfed in flames.  The unit commander quickly assessed the situation and barked orders without hesitation.  The house was small so the fire would be easily extinguished, but they were worried about it jumping to nearby structures.  Otabek hurried to hook the hose to the truck and ran the line toward the house with three others in his unit.  Opening the nozzle, he prepared for the recoil and directed the flow of water at the base of the flames.  He fell into his familiar habit of focusing only on his task at hand.  He had learned to tune everything out but the fire in front of him.  It worried his coworkers at times, but Otabek had never caused an accident.

It took them a little over an hour to get the blaze under control.  Otabek was sore and desperately in need of a shower by the time they were finished.  He helped stow the hose in the truck and shed his jacket, wiping the sweat from his forehead.  His attention drifted to the parked ambulance and he saw an unfamiliar figure helping a man Otabek assumed to be the homeowner.  The paramedic was short and slender, his pale blond hair pulled back in a ponytail.  His baggy navy blue cargo pants rode low on his hips, the t-shirt with the ambulance company’s logo hanging loosely on his upper half.  Otabek knew most of the paramedics and prided himself on being on friendly terms with everyone he worked with.  Deciding to introduce himself, Otabek walked over to the ambulance and waited for the man to finish with his patient.

“Breathe deeply,” he instructed, holding the oxygen mask over his patient’s nose and mouth, “I know it burns, but it will feel better in a few minutes.”

His patient nodded and followed directions.  Otabek leaned against the open door of the ambulance and watched.  The man was engrossed in his patient and Otabek appreciated his focus, liking him immediately.  He felt a connection with those that were as passionate about their jobs as he was.  Looking down when a young boy approached with a limp guinea pig in his hand, Otabek’s eyes widened when he finally saw the medic’s face.

His features were delicately beautiful. While he thought it unusual, Otabek thought the braids along the side of his head suited him. The look of concentration on his face was something Otabek was familiar with, but the haunting emptiness in his green eyes troubled Otabek.  Smiling softly when he saw the boy, he pet the animal in his cradled arms before frowning.

“Can you help Chester?” the child asked.

“Sure, Little Buddy,” he said, climbing into the back of the ambulance.

He returned with a newborn oxygen mask and hooked the thin tube to a tank, squeezing the silicone over the guinea pig’s face.  Taking two fingers, he pressed gently on the animal’s chest in measured compressions.  He continued until the pet began to stir in the boy’s arms. Looking up and grinning happily, the boy hugged the medic and thanked him many times.

“Chester needs to hang out with you more.  Give him a blueberry for me,” he said, ruffling the boy’s hair before shooing him away.

“That was very kind of you,” Otabek said, his smile fading when the paramedic fixed his cold stare on him.

“What can I say?” he asked, “Fucking ray of sunshine.”

“I’m Otabek.  Pleased to meet you,” Otabek said, looking at his name tag, “Yuri.”

“Yeah, pleasure.”

“I didn’t get introduced when you arrived.  I was on vacation,” he said.

“Yeah,” Yuri said, “I need to tell you something.”

“Sure,” he said.

“Move,” Yuri stated, narrowing his eyes at Otabek.

Otabek was taken aback by his brusque attitude.  He stepped aside and watched Yuri pass, walking around the ambulance before climbing into the passenger side.  Backing up when he heard the engine roar to life, Otabek watched as the vehicle pulled away.  He was confused by Yuri’s hostility.  He’d never encountered it before in his few years with the fire department. 

“Don’t take it personally,” the unit commander said when he reached Otabek, “He treats all of us like that.”

“Why?”

“Remember that pilot program they launched last year in the capital?” he asked.

“Refresh my memory,” Otabek replied.

“The paramedic and first responder firefighter teams?”

“Yeah,” he said, waiting for him to continue.

“And the crash that ended the program?”

“Yeah,” Otabek repeated.

“That’s him,” he said, “That’s the paramedic.”

“Oh my god,” Otabek whispered, watching the ambulance disappear around the corner.


	2. Three Strikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri's and Otabek's paths cross a few times in the next weeks, Otabek facing Yuri's wrath each time they do. Once the third confrontation passes, Otabek wonders if he's made an in.
> 
>  
> 
> When they reached the house, Otabek unbuckled his belt and turned to Yuri. He wondered what had possessed him to stop and offer a ride, but he promised to respect Yuri’s request of silence. Deciding to attempt another try at friendliness, he held out his hand and thanked him.
> 
> “I appreciate it,” Otabek said gratefully.
> 
> “Whatever,” Yuri said, looking down at Otabek’s hand before focusing on the road ahead of him.
> 
> Otabek got out of the car, closing the door behind him and stepped back when Yuri put the car in gear, speeding away.
> 
> “Stop beating yourself up, Yuri,” he said quietly, watching the lights grow smaller, “You don’t deserve this.”
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter involves a few showdowns between Yuri and Otabek. Yuri's disdain for firefighters is still at an all-time high, but a few of his focal points have him wondering about the path he is on. The end scene is part of the wreck I was in almost two weeks ago. I don't remember a lot of it and took liberty with a lot of it, but the beginning of it I do remember. It was hard to write but very therapeutic. Hopefully I can start getting over it.
> 
> A couple notes:  
> 1) The dispatch code 24-D-3 is imminent delivery of a baby with complications. I'm unsure if it's universal.  
> 2) Placenta previa is a dangerous condition where the placenta is near or blocking the cervix. Normally the placenta attaches to the top of the uterus, but sometimes it does this. Placenta abruption is where the placenta pulls away from the uterus, usually resulting in heavy bleeding. They pose serious risks to both mother and baby.  
> 3) When an umbilical cord wraps around the baby's neck, it is a very dangerous situation. It cuts off blood flow to the baby and chokes it. If the stress of the baby is severe enough, doctors will deliver as soon as possible.  
> 4) Thirty-one weeks along is a the beginning of seven months gestation.  
> 5) Yuri is going to have some bad habits in this fic to help him cope. Smoking is one of them. Smoking is bad and very hard to quit once addicted. Don't smoke, lovelies.  
> 6) I-40 is a highway in America that runs from North Carolina to California. 
> 
> That's about it. Hope you enjoy, thanks for reading and let me know what you think!
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

“Otabek!”

He grinned when he got out of his truck and saw the seven-year-old run to the truck, jumping into his outstretched arms when he reached him.  Otabek looked forward to his excursion with Tristan each week and vowed to never let him down.  Spending his only day off with the boy, Otabek allowed Tristran free reign of their schedule.

“Hey, buddy,” Otabek said, hugging him before pulling away with his hands on the boy’s shoulders, “Have any idea what you’d like to do today?”

“I want to go to the park and the library and the ice cream stand and the batting cage and dinner and…”

“May I?”

Otabek looked up and smiled at the boy’s mother.  The past year had been traumatic for the family since his previous unit commander, Daniel, was killed in a backdraft.  The company and team of paramedics tried everything possible to save him, but all was for naught.  The man passed away en route to the hospital.  Otabek vowed at Daniel’s funeral he’d be there to help his family.  They had no one in the area, and Mary was due to deliver their daughter in less than five weeks.  It had been a long and heart-wrenching year, but they became an unofficial blended family.

“Hey Mary,” Otabek said, rising to his feet and kissing her cheek, “How are you?”

“I’m well,” she said, hugging him and thanking him when he took the toddler from her arms, “Tired.  Tristan has been bouncing off the walls waiting for you to arrive.”

“How’s my little Emmy?” he asked, his face falling in surprise to make the girl giggle.

“A handful.  She’s learned how to pull the gate down and crawl up the stairs,” Mary stated.

“Oh, wonderful.  I can pick up one of those with fixed brackets and install it when I drop Tristan off,” Otabek suggested.

“We’ll be alright.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

After chatting with Mary a few moments longer, Otabek called for Tristan and they walked to the truck.  He helped fasten Tristan into a booster seat in the backseat, closed the door and climbed into the driver’s seat.  On the way to the park, they agreed on activities for the rest of the day.  They were at the batting cages, and Otabek was watching Tristan miss ball after ball when his pager went off.  Frowning when he saw a familiar number, he quickly returned the page.

“Hey Chief, what’s up?” Otabek asked.

“ _Pete called in sick.  He’s come down with shingles, so he’s going to be out for a while,”_ he explained, _”Can you pull on-call tonight?  I hate to ask you on your day off, but if you say no I only have Lenny left to ask.  I’ll give you a short holiday next week as a token of my gratitude.”_

“How many days?” Otabek inquired though he already knew what his answer was.

_“Three.  Help an old man out?”_

“Sure.  Let me take Tristan back home and I’ll clear my schedule for the rest of the day,” Otabek said, not wanting to leave on-call to Lenny since he wasn’t worth a hill of beans anymore.

Otabek whistled to get Tristan’s attention and explained they’d have to cut their day short.  He could tell the boy was disappointed but cheered up slightly when Otabek said he’d order his family dinner from their favorite restaurant.  The drive back was filled with conversation about the movie Otabek had seen a trailer of in the last film he saw.  It featured one of Tristan’s favorite spy armies, and Otabek figured he’d be interested.  When the boy bounced excitedly in the backseat, Otabek promised to take him the day it came out.

He said his goodbyes to everyone and drove away minutes later.  Turning his scanner on, Otabek found the nearest staging area for ambulances.  When he pulled up, one of his favorite teams was waiting in the parking lot.  He chatted with them for a while, catching up on various calls they had in the past couple weeks.  Some of their assignments overlapped, but the EMT squad was getting swamped with many cases of pedestrians getting hit by cars or drownings since summer was in full swing.  Otabek relayed they had some calls for structure fires, but most of the department’s time was spent on car accidents.  When his stomach growled, Otabek realized he hadn’t eaten in hours.  Grabbing a portable radio, he clipped it on the band of his jeans and walked into the convenience store . He selected a few items and made his way to the cash register.  While the clerk was ringing his purchases up, Otabek heard his radio come to life.

_"Possible 24-D-3 on I-40.  Contractions four minutes apart.  Driver is approximately 31 weeks gestation.  Need closest first responder to deviate.  Engine en route.  ETA 19 minutes."_

Otabek slammed two bills that would more than cover his snack onto the counter, telling the clerks dinner was on him that night.  He ran out of the building and to his vehicle, waved goodbye to the paramedics and guided his truck to the scene.  Speaking over the radio, Otabek requested additional information as he sped down the entrance ramp leading to the highway.  He saw the vehicle described in the dispatch and pulled up behind it when he reached it. 

Getting out of his truck, Otabek ran to the driver’s side and assessed the situation.  The woman was in visible distress but trying to hide it from her daughter in the backseat.  Otabek looked down at the seat and saw bright red staining the cloth. After telling her to take deep breaths and he’d be back in a moment, he stepped to the back of the SUV and imparted the current situation, urgently requesting an ambulance closer to the location.  Narrowing his eyes when he saw a sedan pull up behind his truck, Otabek sighed when he saw the driver get out of the car.

“Hey Yuri,” Otabek said, trying to be friendly.

“How is she?” he asked as he ignored Otabek’s greeting and walked past him.

“I’m guessing placenta previa or abruption.  There’s blood all over the seat.  Her daughter is in the vehicle with her,” Otabek stated.

“Take care of the kid,” Yuri ordered, “I’ve got her.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, “The ambulance is on the way.”

“Did I fucking stutter?”

Otabek flinched, watching Yuri turn around and speak with the woman.  When he opened the door and checked on the child, Otabek did his best to distract her but his attention was drawn elsewhere as well.  He pulled his phone out and selected the app Emmy liked to play with, handing the device to the girl.

“Hi,” Yuri said, giving the woman a dazzling smile that made Otabek’s heart skip a beat, “My name is Yuri.  What’s yours?”

“Morgan,” she said weakly.

“I wish it were better circumstances, but I’m pleased to meet you,” he said, pushing back loose strands of hair from her face, “Looks like little one wants to make a grand debut?”

“Yeah,” Morgan said, smiling.

“You’re thirty-one weeks along?” he asked, watching her nod, “Has your OB mentioned placenta previa to you?”

“No,” she said between pants.

“Ok,” Yuri said, his voice dropping to a low hush, “I’m sorry we have to do this on the side of the road, but I need to check the baby and how much of the placenta is covering your cervix.  I’ll be as gentle as I can.”

Otabek was impressed by Yuri’s kind demeanor with the woman.  He assumed it was a side of Yuri most didn’t see and he felt privileged he had caught a glimpse of it.  Yuri genuinely cared about his patients and made them the most important person in the world.  His entire being was focused on them and their well-being.

Looking up when he heard a vehicle’s tires against the gravel, Otabek waved his unit commander over and asked him to stay with the little girl.  Yuri hadn’t examined the woman yet and Otabek wanted to provide her with as much privacy as possible.  Walking around the SUV, Otabek stood behind Yuri and blocked most of the doorway as possible.

“What are you doing?” Yuri grouched.

“Blocking her from motorists,” Otabek stated, relieved when Yuri nodded.

“Ok, Morgan.  I need you to lie down.  Put your head on the other seat and bend your knees.”

“Ok,” she said, thanking Yuri as he helped her ease her upper body onto the other seat.

Telling her to take a deep breath, Yuri examined her and found her cervix.  The placenta was covering most of the membrane and partially pulled away from the wall of the uterus, but he could feel the baby’s head.  He gently pressed his fingers against the baby, breath catching when he found its neck.

“Hey!” Yuri shouted to the unit commander, “ETA on that ambulance?”

“Fifteen minutes or more,” he said, “They’re stuck in traffic.”

“Morgan, can you take a deep breath and hold it for me?  I’ll let you know when you can let it go.”

When the woman nodded, Yuri pried his finger under the umbilical cord wrapped around the baby’s neck, counting the loops he unraveled.  He knew it wasn’t safe for her or the baby to wait for the ambulance, so he swallowed his pride and glanced at Otabek over his shoulder.

“Would you be willing to give her a ride to the closest ER?” Yuri asked.

“The ambulance…”

“Won’t be here in time,” Yuri growled, “We have to go now.  I need you to drive.  I have to stay with her.  If her placenta descends any further, she and the baby are in trouble.  Ask your commander if he’ll remain with the kid until the husband arrives.”

After plans were finalized, Yuri and Otabek helped Morgan into the back of the truck.  When Morgan apologized for ruining the bench in the extended cab, Otabek reminded her she was more important, cloth could always be replaced.  He started the truck, put it in gear and turned the lights and sirens on before pulling away.  The ride to the hospital was quick since he was going thirty miles over the speed limit.  He concentrated on driving while Yuri chatted with Morgan, trying to distract her from the dire situation with her baby.  Yuri hadn’t told her how serious it was as he knew it would make her frantic and that was the last thing the baby needed.

“Almost there, Morgan,” Yuri said, “What color are you painting the nursery?  Is your daughter excited?”

“Cream and light green,” she said, “Brittney is excited and wants to help with everything.  I hope she stays excited.”

“I’m sure she’ll adjust.  Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy?”

“Boy,” she said, smiling, “My husband is thrilled.  He wants to coach little league and teach him how to fish.”

“Sounds like fun,” Yuri said, smiling before looking at the screen of his phone and turning to Otabek, “How far away are we?”

“Next right turn we’ll be at the ER.”

True to his word, Otabek directed the truck into the parking lot and guided it to the lane in front of the doors.  Opening the door, Otabek jumped out of the car and raced into the waiting room.  He explained the situation briefly and helped two nurses lead a gurney to the car.  Yuri stayed with them since he was preventing the placenta from slipping further.  When the gurney disappeared in the elevator, Otabek contacted dispatch and let them know the patient had arrived and was in the care of the hospital.  He went outside and leaned against the wall, watching people stream in and out of the building.  Yuri finally emerged and stopped on the sidewalk, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one, taking a long drag before exhaling slowly.

“That shit will kill you,” Otabek said.

“That’s the plan,” Yuri stated, glaring at Otabek, “Why are you still here?”

“Figured you might need a ride back to your car.”

“I can call a cab,” he growled, “I don’t need your help.”

“Yuri, we’re not all bad.  It’s just a ride.  You don’t have to talk to me.  Stare out the window if you want,” Otabek suggested.

“What do you mean, ‘not all bad’?” Yuri asked.

“Firefighters,” he stated, “Yeah, you got stuck with a shit one but don’t use him as a basis for all of us.”

“What the fuck do you know?” Yuri roared, closing the gap between them until they were face to face and jabbed a finger into Otabek’s chest.

“I know what happened.”

“You read a fucking blurb in a newspaper,” Yuri seethed, “You don’t know shit.”

“It’s a simple ride, Yuri,” Otabek said quietly.

“Fuck you.  I’d rather walk.”

Yuri spun on a heel and stomped through the parking lot, Otabek’s good mood wilting as Yuri disappeared from sight.

 

* * *

 

It had been his longest day since arriving in the small town, having worked two shifts in a row.  There had been an emergency in a nearby county and his company sent half of the paramedics on duty, leaving six EMTs to cover the entire area.  While Yuri didn’t mind helping those that needed it, the day had left him cranky.  He wanted nothing more than a warm shower and at least ten hours of sleep.

He drove down a remote road since the scenery always relaxed him.  Even though it was the dead of the night, Yuri smelled the fragrance from the flowery bushes along the road.  Smiling slightly, he remembered summer evenings at home.  The same bushes were planted and he recalled the scent while chasing fireflies.  He was thankful for the reverie as he hadn’t had many since the tragic accident.  He’d been too busy going over what he could have done differently, caught in the anger that had consumed him since that night.

Yuri’s attention was drawn to flashers ahead and knew it was a disabled vehicle.  As he neared it, he could tell it was a large truck.  He reached the vehicle and snarled when he recognized the driver. 

“Fuck you.  I’m not stopping for you,” Yuri grumbled.

He was several yards away when he heard his grandfather’s voice in his mind, chiding him for abandoning someone in need.  His grandfather’s kindness was one of the reasons he decided to choose a career as a paramedic.  While his grandpa didn’t like everyone he helped, he swallowed his pride and assisted them.  When Yuri asked why, he would reply it was for the greater good.

“Greater good,” he mumbled, tapping the steering wheel with his thumbs, “Fuck.”

Yuri slowed his car and made a u-turn on the empty road, driving back to the truck before maneuvering another u-turn.  Pulling up behind the truck, Yuri climbed out of his car and walked to the vehicle.  He shoved his hands in the pockets of his cargo pants, stopping when he reached the raised hood.

“Otabek,” he said, fixing his cold glare on the man.

“Hey Yuri,” Otabek said, surprised to see him, “What brings you here?”

“Needed quiet,” Yuri said.

“I’m shocked you stopped,” Otabek admitted.

“What’s wrong with your truck?” he asked, ignoring Otabek’s statement.

“It made some loud, clicking noises and then died,” Otabek replied.

“How long has it been since you checked your oil?”

“I haven’t since I had it changed last,” Otabek said, looking at the large engine.

“And that was?” Yuri questioned.

“I don’t know,” he answered, “Six months, maybe longer.”

“You dumbass,” Yuri muttered, “More than likely your engine seized up.  Way to go.”

“I’ve been a little busy,” Otabek retorted.

“What?  Sitting around the firehouse all day with your thumb up your ass?” Yuri mocked, “Sounds real busy to me.”

“If you’ve come to belittle me, you can leave,” Otabek said, not believing the words coming from his mouth.

“I’ve come to offer you a ride,” Yuri mumbled, looking away when Otabek stared at him, “Just know I’m not doing it for you.  I have my reasons.”

“Ok.  Let me grab my bag,” Otabek said, walking to the cab of the truck, “Thanks, Yuri.”

“Whatever,” he said before returning to his car.

Yuri started the engine and waited for Otabek to climb into the passenger seat.  He kept his eyes on the steering wheel when the door shut and Otabek settled, buckling his belt.  Not saying a word, Yuri put the car in gear and directed it toward the road. 

“How was your day?” Otabek asked, turning his attention to Yuri.

Silence.

“I heard about the stadium collapse in Wayne county.  Bet that made things rough.”

Silence.

“Did you have a lot of calls today?”

Silence.

“I’m trying to be friendly, Yuri,” Otabek revealed.

“I don’t need your friendship,” he snarled.

Otabek sighed and looked at the picture taped near the odometer.  Squinting his eyes, he saw a family with three children.  It was the same copy he’d seen in the newspaper after the tragic accident that occurred in the capital, ultimately ending the rescue program the city had implemented. 

“Yuri?” he asked.

“What?”

“Why do you have that?” Otabek questioned, pointing at the picture.

“Because,” he said, eyes never leaving the road.

“Isn’t it agony?  You did all you could.  Nothing would have changed,” Otabek said quietly, watching Yuri’s expression turn to stone.

“You don’t know shit.”

“I meant you solely, Yuri.  You got stuck with the worst kind of partner.  It doesn’t make all firefighters bad apples,” Otabek explained.

“Drop it.”

“Have you gotten help?  This anger is going to destroy you,” Otabek said.

The car screeched to a halt suddenly, Yuri reaching over Otabek and opening the door.  Otabek looked into the inky darkness then back to Yuri.  His face was a mask of rage and his chest was heaving in anger.

“Out,” Yuri demanded.

“What?” Otabek asked, not sure he heard right.

“Get out.  My generosity ends here.  Walk home.  I don’t give a fuck what you do.  Just leave me alone!” Yuri screamed.

Otabek watched the car bolt off in the darkness until he could no longer see the tail lights.  He thought it was kind of Yuri to stop and hoped he could crack the man’s shell, but he thought wrong.  Yuri was living in the past and torturing himself, a mere husk of a man that was barely surviving.  While Otabek had never been in such a traumatic situation, he knew what it was like to lose someone he had been tasked to save.  It tore at him, but eventually, he learned to let go, striving to do better next time. 

Yuri had five ghosts haunting him every minute of every day.

Otabek had been walking for twenty minutes when he heard a car barreling towards him.  It skidded to a stop feet ahead of him and the passenger door opened.  He sighed and shook his head, but jogged to it as he didn’t relish the thought of walking until dawn broke.  When he reached the car, he bent down and looked at the driver.

“There are only two rules.  Number one, give me your address so I know where I’m going.  Number two, shut the fuck up.  I have nothing to say to you,” Yuri stated.

“Ok.  944 Wisteria,” Otabek said, getting into the car and buckling his belt.

The drive to Otabek’s rented house was quiet.  His mind was in turmoil as he stared at the picture.  Yuri didn’t like being questioned why he couldn’t let the incident go, but he felt like the biggest failure on earth.  He claimed the five deaths as the biggest mistake he could ever make and it would forever be with him.  His psychologist had tried to get him to understand it was a bad situation that should have never happened, but he couldn’t go back in time and change it.  The last words to the woman were she didn’t know what the hell she was talking about and he stormed out of the session, never to return.  He’d deal with it in his own way.

When they reached the house, Otabek unbuckled his belt and turned to Yuri.  He wondered what had possessed him to stop and offer a ride, but he promised to respect Yuri’s request of silence.  Deciding to attempt another try at friendliness, he held out his hand and thanked him.

“I appreciate it,” Otabek said gratefully.

“Whatever,” Yuri said, looking down at Otabek’s hand before focusing on the road ahead of him.

Otabek got out of the car, closing the door behind him and stepped back when Yuri put the car in gear, speeding away.

“Stop beating yourself up, Yuri,” he said quietly, watching the lights grow smaller, “You don’t deserve this.”

 

* * *

 

“Reagan, calm down,” Yuri said, pressing a stack of gauze against a gash on her head, “I need you to take deep breaths.  They’ll get you out as soon as they can.  Can you take a deep breath for me and hold it for four seconds?”

Otabek surveyed the scene before him, wincing at the damage.  The utility wagon’s hood had been damaged severely, crunched into the passenger area.  He had heard on the radio that the driver was stuck in the vehicle and they were having difficulty extracting her.  The driver of the truck was still in the vehicle but he had been declared deceased.  He walked up to the unit commander, standing next to him as he barked out orders.

“Where do you want me?” he asked.

“Help Sunshine with the other driver,” the man said, “She’s frantic and in shock.”

“Sunshine?”

When the unit commander pointed to the nearly destroyed vehicle, Otabek caught a glimpse of the light blond ponytail and slim body.  He hadn’t seen Yuri since he had given him a ride home, but the man had crossed his mind frequently since then.  He had heard complaints from fellow firefighters that had dealt with him and listened intently, but Otabek felt sorry for the guy. 

He strode to the utility wagon and nodded to several co-workers.  He looked over at the black truck and saw a team pulling the driver out, placing a sheet over the man after easing the body onto the asphalt.  When Otabek heard terrified shrieking, he picked up the pace and jogged to the vehicle.

“Reagan,” Yuri shouted over her screams, “Deep breaths.  I need you to calm down.”

“He’s dead!” she yelled, “He’s…he’s….I need to go home.  I want to go home!”

“I know, sweetie, but you can’t right now.  We have to make you better before you can go home,” Yuri said, taking her hand and running a gloved thumb over her bloodied skin, “Look at me, Reagan.  I need you to take that deep breath now.”

“How is she?” Otabek asked as the woman did as Yuri asked.

“Compound fracture, gash on her head, possible internal bleeding,” he relayed, “We need to get her out now, but you idiots are taking your time.”

“We’re waiting for heavy rescue, Yuri,” Otabek said through clenched teeth, not wanting to get into an argument in front of the driver, “They’ll be here as soon as they can.”

Yuri continued to talk to the woman, eventually leaning inside the space where the window had been and pressing his hands against the open wound on her lower leg.  He couldn’t move the limb since her foot was pinned down by the firewall of the dash.  He felt the broken glass of the window digging into his abdomen, but she was more important.  If fire rescue didn’t get off their ass soon, the woman was going to bleed out.

“Hey Reagan?”

“Huh?” she asked.

“Can you hold this compress against your leg?”  Yuri requested, “I can’t get to it very well.  When we get the door open, I promise I’ll put a tourniquet on it as soon as possible.”

“Can we pull her out the window?”

“Two problems with your theory, Genius,” Yuri deadpanned, rolling his eyes at the suggestion, “Her foot is stuck and her femoral artery could be pierced if we jostle her that much.  We need to be careful.  Didn’t they teach you that?  This is first aid for dummies.”

It was then that Otabek noticed Yuri was pale and shaky, his skin taking on an almost grey pallor.  He regarded him in concern, but Yuri turned away quickly, his attention back to his patient.  Otabek went to the fire engine and grabbed a large pair of snippers, returning to the car and cutting away chunks of the firewall.  He couldn’t stand around doing nothing while the driver slowly bled out, didn’t want another fatality on his conscience.  He thought of Yuri’s predicament and current condition when it finally hit him.

_Accident.  This is bothering him.  He’s remembering._

Yuri kept the woman calm, telling her it was alright each time she heard the loud crunch of metal being torn away.  He hadn’t expected Otabek to jump in and take the initiative to remedy the situation, figuring he’d be the typical lackey firefighter and only follow orders.  Hearing the loud rumble of a diesel engine, Yuri looked at the back of the cluster of cars and saw the heavy rescue truck had arrived. 

“Reagan, I have to step back now.  Fire rescue is going to cut you out and I can’t be here.  Can you stay calm for me?  We’ll have you out as soon as we can,” Yuri told the woman.

“Please don’t go,” she whined, begging him as blood escaped the gauze on her forehead.

Yuri changed the bandage quickly, stepping back when two men approached with a large saw.  He watched as the blade spun to life and shrieked loudly when it pressed against the door.  Bits of fiberglass flew in the air, Yuri pulling his shirt over his nose and mouth.  He could hear the screams of the driver over the saw.  Cutting the power minutes later, one of the men pulled his mask down and bellowed for a medic.

“She’s too wound up,” the man said when Yuri approached, “Can’t you give her something?”

“No, it could make things worse,” he informed him, voice dripping with sarcasm, “I swear you guys are fucking idiots.  I’ll get in the passenger seat and try to keep her calm.”

Yuri ran around the decimated engine and climbed into the passenger side.  Placing his hand on her cheek, Yuri forced Reagan to look at him as the saw whined to life.  He felt the vibrations of the cutting through her body and knew it must be agonizing for the woman, but they had to get her out.  He spoke words of encouragement to her and tried to get her to focus, but she was too far gone in shock.  Glaring at the men with the saw, he snorted in disgust when they finally pried the door off.

“Don’t touch her!” he yelled when they reached for her, “She has to be carefully removed.”

Getting out of the car, Yuri saw Otabek was still removing the rest of the firewall, but he could see the driver’s foot.  He motioned for a nearby ambulance team to bring the stretcher, communicating her vitals and condition to them when they reached the car. 

“Ok, she’s good to go,” Otabek said, standing up.

Yuri nodded and barked instructions of where he wanted everyone, telling them how they were going to move her and to take it carefully.  Yuri found the lever under the seat and slid it back slowly, lifting the woman’s upper body and moving her gently so she was resting against the passenger side.  He instructed the paramedics to take a leg and move her yet taking care not to bump the wound on her leg.  When he felt her body slump, Yuri looked up and swore.

“Reagan?  Reagan?” he asked, shaking her shoulder gently, “Wake up, sweetheart.  I need your help in this.”

Knowing the woman had passed out, Yuri racked his brain to come up with another solution.  He needed to keep her body in line as much as possible if she had internal bleeding.  He was in mid-thought when he saw Otabek at the passenger side and slowly lift her from the seat.  Nodding at him, Yuri counted and they moved the driver, finally getting her on the gurney.  The EMTs raced to the awaiting ambulance and loaded her inside quickly, pausing only for the police officer to halt traffic before they sped away.

Yuri bent over and breathed deeply as he tried to fight memories past from overtaking him.  He knew the day would arrive when he would have to deal with another serious wreck.  While he thought he was ready for it, this accident and nearly losing the driver to it rocked him to the core.  He hadn’t lost a patient since the explosion and vowed not to again, but he knew it was out of his control. 

Seeing pinpricks in his vision, Yuri knew a panic attack was fast approaching.  He stumbled toward his car but felt himself falling.  Strong arms grabbed him around his waist and shoved his head between his legs, slowly lowering him to the ground.  His ability to breathe was taken away from him, the clamminess covering his skin as sweat broke out. 

“Think of a good memory, Yuri.”

He heard the voice as if he were in a tunnel, but recognized the deep cadence.  He thought of walking in softly falling snow when he was a child, his grandfather holding his hand.  Memories of sledding down the hill in his grandfather’s yard came next.  The rapid beating of his heart slowed, and he felt the vice ease from his chest.  Taking deep, shaky breaths, Yuri fought against the hand holding his neck and sat up.  He looked to the person assisting him and glared.

“Why do you insist on helping me?” Yuri demanded, “I fucking hate you.”

“No man is an island,” Otabek said quietly, helping Yuri to his feet and steadying him, “Don’t do it alone, Yuri. There are people here willing to help you.”

“I don’t need anyone,” he grumbled, yanking his arm away and ambling to his car.

Yuri opened the door of his car and fell into the seat.  He looked at the glove box and debated briefly before opening it, pulling a bottle of medication out.  Quickly twisting the lid off, he dug out two pills and popped them into his mouth, swallowing as he reached for his water bottle.  He had almost downed the bottle when the sun was blocked out by someone standing near his car.

“What is that?” Otabek asked, pointing to the bottle on the dash.

“None of your business,” Yuri snarled, reaching for the bottle but was too late.

“Ativan,” Otabek said quietly as he read the label, looking at Yuri sadly, “Get out.  You’re not driving home.”

“I’m fine.  I’m used to it.”

“I’m not letting you drive under the influence, Yuri.  I don’t think you’re in the right frame of mind to drive right now anyway,” Otabek admitted, opening the door “Come on.”

Yuri cursed Otabek but got out of his car, following Otabek to his truck.  Quieting down when they reached the truck and Otabek opened the door, Yuri hopped onto the rail and climbed into the cab.  Once Otabek was settled in the driver’s seat and when they were buckled safely, Otabek started the engine and pulled away, waving to his co-workers before leaving the scene.  Yuri had given him the address to his apartment and Otabek was relieved it was near his house. His day had been long and the accident had done a number on his nerves as well, leaving him wanting a hot bath and the book he had been reading.

“You’re amazing with your patients, Yuri,” Otabek said, looking at him briefly.

“It’s the only thing I’m good at,” he grumbled, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, “May I?”

“Normally I’d say no, but I think you need it right now,” Otabek said, “You should lay off of them though.”

“Fuck you,” he said, lighting the cigarette and inhaling deeply.

The rest of the ride was silent, Otabek feeling the tension radiating from Yuri.  He had smoked five cigarettes back to back and Otabek’s heart ached for him.  Yuri looked absolutely defeated and drained.  He knew Yuri didn’t want to talk about it, so he didn’t push. 

Otabek pulled up in front of the building and put his truck in park.  Looking at Yuri, Otabek saw him staring ahead, a blank look in his eyes.  Not knowing if Yuri was thinking or lost in a flashback, Otabek placed a hand on his shoulder, jerking back when Yuri flinched.

“Don’t ever touch me,” he growled.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” Otabek apologized, “Yuri, if you ever need to talk I’ll lend an ear.  You don’t have to be alone.”

Yuri turned and glared at Otabek, his eyes narrowing in annoyance.  Otabek braced himself for an angry outburst, but it never came.  Yuri huffed and opened the door, looking back before getting out.

“I don’t need you.”

“Alright, but if you change your mind the offer stands,” Otabek repeated.

Yuri shook his head and climbed out of the cab.  The door was almost shut before it flew back open.  Otabek was surprised and jerked his head, seeing Yuri’s gaze locked with him.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime,” Otabek said, giving him a gentle smile.

The door slammed shut and Otabek watched Yuri walk into the building.  Drumming his thumbs against the steering wheel, Otabek thought he had made progress with Yuri, chipped at his mask until there was a small crack.  Putting the car into gear, he guided the truck onto the street and smiled.

“Your mask is going to fall, Yuri.  I promise you that.”


	3. Used

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri loses more of his sanity and snaps, regretting his actions and reaching out to an unlikely source.
> 
>  
> 
> When they reached Yuri’s apartment, Otabek waited for him to dig his keys out. Once the door was unlocked, they stumbled into the room and Yuri pushed Otabek against the wall.
> 
> “Make me feel better,” Yuri mumbled.
> 
> “What am I supposed to do?”
> 
> Otabek watched Yuri’s gaze drop to his lips before looking into his eyes, crushing his lips in a sloppy kiss moments later.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you can tell I'm stuck on this fic right now, but it's really the only thing I can relate to. I apologize I'm not updating the other fics. I just can't feel them right now. I know what I want to do, but I want it to be as close to perfect as I can get. Until then, we get Firestarter as I work out my darkness.
> 
> This chapter was hard to write and I took several breaks. I've been joking with several readers on Twitter and tumblr today about this chapter, but it really hurt. I needed someone else to feel the hurt and anger I have. Unfortunately, it's Yuri. I'm hoping while Yuri works through his desperation, mine will get better as well. I'll get there. I promise.
> 
> There's a lot of death in this chapter, so be prepared. I decided to cut this chapter in half as the next one is going to be even more difficult emotionally. You've been warned.
> 
> Notes...my most favorite part *sarcasm*:  
> 1) A Twelve-Delta-Two (12-D-2) is the EMS code for continuous or multiple seizures. It's pretty dangerous.  
> 2) What the first case winds up being is a cerebrovascular incident aka a stroke. You'll find out.  
> 3) Time of death in most resuscitation attempts is generally called around twenty minutes or so. After that, the brain damage due to lack of oxygen is pretty significant and affects quality of life.  
> 4) Breathalyzer tests measure the blood alcohol level of someone suspected of being under the influence. Levels of legal intoxication vary on where you live.  
> 5) The window for saving a drowning victim with a chance of survival is about sixteen minutes.  
> 6) Those that have been following my writing for a while know music has a huge impact on my life. I usually have a song that sticks with me while I'm writing. This time it was [Afraid by The Neighbourhood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o9Cy7Zv7aY). This song kills me and screams Yuri for Firestarter.
> 
> I think that's it for notes.
> 
> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think. We're going to get darker before things get better.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

_“Twelve-delta-two.  Thirty-six-year old female unresponsive.  Daughter states she’s been convulsing approximately twenty minutes.  No history of seizure disorder.  Unit 192, please respond.”_

“Unit 192 copy,” Yuri said after lifting the receiver of the radio, looking at his partner.

_“Address is 1066 Martin Drive.  ETA?”_

“Eh,” Yuri said, quickly entering the address into the GPS, “Nine minutes.”

_“Advise upon arrival.  Dispatch out.”_

They sped away seconds later, weaving in and out of traffic while Yuri cursed the drivers that wouldn’t get out of his way.  He hated driving but had lost the draw with his partner that morning.  That day was the nicest of the summer so far and many people were spending it outdoors, further increasing Yuri’s ire.

“Why don’t people ever stay the fuck at home?” he grumbled.

“Maybe because they actually have a life?” his partner teased, laughing when Yuri replied with his middle finger.

Almost passing the house, Yuri slammed on the brakes and steered the vehicle onto the curb.  He ignored his partner’s sarcastic praise of his parking job, running around to the back of the ambulance and throwing the doors open.  Quickly grabbing his bag, Yuri raced to the front door and opened it, announcing he was with the medic service and inquiring about their location.

“Dining room!” a child’s voice shouted back.

Yuri walked through the front of the house until he found a girl sitting in front of her mother, tears streaming down her cheeks as she watched her mother jerk on the floor.  Yuri knelt next to her and rolled the woman onto her side, trying to contain his anxiety when frothy saliva flowed out of her mouth.  Looking up when his partner entered the room, he gave him a grim stare.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he said, “My name is Yuri.  What’s yours?”

“Robyn,” she choked out.

“Robyn, what’s your mom’s name?” Yuri asked.

“Elayne.  Is she going to be ok?” she asked between sobs.

“We’re going to try everything within our power, Robyn,” Yuri replied, “I bet she’ll be up and about in no time.  I have a very important job for you.  Can you do it for me?”

“Yeah.”

“Will you get a couple towels, a blanket, and a warm, damp washcloth?”  Yuri requested, “I want to make your mom as comfortable as I can.”

When the girl nodded, Yuri waited until she ran off before turning his attention to the woman.  Her eyes were rolled back into her head, but she had stopped seizing.  Yuri dug in his bag and reached for a packet of gauze, tearing it open and dabbing the sweat from her face.

“Elayne,” he shouted, “Time to wake up.  Robyn needs you.  She’s really anxious.”

When the woman began convulsing again, Yuri’s concern grew.  Robyn came back into the room and handed him the items he requested.  Yuri thanked her and asked his partner to take her into another room.  Keeping his hand on her back to keep her on her side, Yuri cleaned the woman’s mouth of foam and lifted her head to place the blanket underneath.  He grew frustrated as he knew he had to let the seizure run its course.  Setting the timer on his watch, Yuri decided he’d give her ten minutes before taking her to the nearest hospital.

Elayne had three seizures before her body stilled and her breathing stopped.  Yuri hastily found his stethoscope in his bag and checked for a heartbeat but found none.  Rolling the woman on her back, Yuri began chest compressions before shouting for his partner.

“Eli!” he yelled, “Need your help.”

His partner rushed into the room and dropped to the floor, pinching the woman’s nose before breathing into her mouth.  Yuri was counting each time he pressed against her sternum, only pausing to let his partner provide oxygen.  He was mid-count when he heard a small, scared voice behind him.

“Is my mommy going to be alright?” Robyn asked.

Yuri looked over his shoulder as he continued the compressions.  Tears were flowing down Robyn’s cheeks and she shook with fear.  He asked his partner to distract her while he continued to work on Elayne.

“Come on, Elayne,” he growled, pushing against her sternum, “Don’t die on me. Your daughter needs you.”

Yuri continued CPR for another twenty minutes to no avail and knew he had to call it.  He felt numb, but the anger was simmering within him.  Elayne was the first patient Yuri had lost since that fateful night and he promised not to lose any more.

“No, you’re aren’t giving up!” he yelled, resuming the compressions until his partner pulled him back.

“Yuri, there’s nothing else we can do.  She’s gone.  Fate just wasn’t on our side today,” Eli stated.

“Damn it!” he roared, smacking his hands against the wooden floor.

“Mommy?”

Yuri turned around and saw the girl stagger forward slowly.  He knew she was in shock and would need attention herself, but he felt an overwhelming urge to console her.  Opening his arms, Yuri closed his eyes when she fell into them, sobbing uncontrollably.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” he said, voice breaking as a single tear coursed down his cheek.

 

* * *

 

Deciding to stop at his favorite bar for take-out, Otabek pulled into the parking lot and dragged his weary body out of his truck.  The day had been thankfully slow, but the chief had everyone cleaning the firehouse.  While he didn’t mind helping out, Otabek hated cleaning for twelve hours straight.

Opening the door, Otabek frowned when he heard someone arguing with the bartender.  The establishment was typically a friendly place, but sometimes the police were called to handle a rowdy drunk.  Making his way to the counter, Otabek’s mouth opened in astonishment when he saw the one involved in the disagreement.

“I’m not even fucking drunk and you’re cutting me off?” Yuri roared, slamming his hands on the worn wood in front of him, “I want another round.”

“You’re done, buddy!” the woman yelled from the opposite end.

“What the fuck do you know!  Fucking fraud,” Yuri mumbled before turning around, grinning when he saw Otabek, “Hey, Altin.  What’s happening?  Wanna drink?  My treat.”

“Let’s get you out of here, Yuri,” he said, reaching for his arm.

“I’m not f-finished,” Yuri slurred, “Bartender!  Another round for me and my friend!”

“Since when am I your friend?” Otabek asked.

“Since nine of these,” he answered, dangling a glass from his fingers, “Have a seat.  Sit, relax, have a drink.”

“You’re done, Yuri,” Otabek stated, grabbing his upper arm and helping him off the stool.

“Lemme go,” he snarled, pulling away harshly and losing his balance, falling to the floor.

“See why I cut him off, Otabek?” the bartender asked, rolling her eyes as she took the empty glasses.

“Is he paid up?” Otabek asked.

“Yeah.  Dinner’s on the house,” she stated, “Just take him and go.  He’s lucky the owner isn’t here.  He wouldn’t be coming back.”

Otabek nodded, picking up the bag and helping Yuri off the floor.  Wrapping an arm around Yuri’s waist, Otabek guided them to the door and out of the building.  He wondered what had happened to cause Yuri to drink himself to oblivion but chose not to ask, figuring he’d explode on him.  Otabek wasn’t in the mood for an argument that night and just wanted to get Yuri home before retiring for the night.

He helped Yuri into his truck, climbing up to fasten his safety belt.  Battling with the clasp since Yuri wouldn’t sit still, Otabek froze when he felt Yuri’s nose against his neck.  He tried to pull away, but Yuri grabbed a fistful of his shirt, holding him there.

“You smell good,” Yuri murmured, inhaling deeply, “Lemony.”

“It’s floor cleaner,” Otabek said, swallowing harshly, “We cleaned the firehouse today.”

“It’s nice,” he said, “Who knew? You idiots don’t sit on your asses all day.”

“Definitely don’t do that,” Otabek stated, “Let’s get you home.”

Yuri babbled about different floor cleaners and scents that would smell good on Otabek on the ride home.  Otabek just rolled his eyes and drove.  He had started tuning Yuri’s rambling out when the next sentence out of his mouth caught his attention.

“She was only thirty-six,” Yuri said, propping his arm on the armrest and looking out the window.

“Who?” he asked.

“Elayne.”

“Who’s Elayne?” Otabek inquired.

“The woman who died today.  Multiple seizures,” Yuri responded, “They think it was a stroke.  She had a daughter.  Robyn.”

“Yuri, was this a call you had?” Otabek asked, swearing softly when he nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t tell me sorry, tell her daughter,” Yuri snarled, anger building, “Robyn has to grow up without a mother because I couldn’t save her.”

“You can’t save everyone,” he said softly, chancing a look at Yuri.

“I have to,” Yuri argued, “I promised them.”

“The family last year?”

“Yeah,” he answered, “I vowed to save everyone.  Then they can go away.”

“Yuri, they’re already gone,” Otabek assured him, “They’re at peace. It’s time to find yours.”

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” Yuri sneered.

Otabek sighed and concentrated on driving.  It made sense now why Yuri had gotten so drunk, but Otabek knew it wasn’t going to help his dilemma.  He recognized the patterns Yuri used to ease his mind and found them incredibly destructive.  Otabek wanted Yuri to open up to him while sober.  He felt he had cracked his tough exterior after the car accident but hadn’t had time to test the theory.

They reached Yuri’s apartment building, but when Otabek looked over, he was passed out.  Rolling his eyes, Otabek got out of the truck and helped Yuri.  As they staggered to the building, Yuri’s drunken jovial attitude was back.  His heart dropped as he listened to Yuri’s feeble attempt to tell jokes.  When they got inside, Otabek realized he had no clue which apartment was Yuri’s.

“Hey, Yuri?”

“What?” he slurred.

“What’s your apartment number?  And where are your keys?” Otabek asked.

“402 and in my pocket,” Yuri replied, making no move to get them.

“Are you going to get your keys?” he asked.

“Nah,” Yuri drawled, grinning at Otabek.

Sighing deeply, Otabek helped Yuri up the flights of stairs until reaching the fourth floor.  He wandered the hallway, only to turn around when he figured out he was going the wrong way.  Yuri cackled in amusement when Otabek guided them in the other direction, telling him it was the funniest thing he’d seen all day.  When they reached Yuri’s apartment, Otabek waited for him to dig his keys out.  Once the door was unlocked, they stumbled into the room and Yuri pushed Otabek against the wall.

“Make me feel better,” Yuri mumbled.

“What am I supposed to do?”

Otabek watched Yuri’s gaze drop to his lips before looking into his eyes, crushing his lips in a sloppy kiss moments later.  Heat rushed through Otabek’s body as he was physically attracted to Yuri, but he didn’t want to be used as a convenient crutch.  Placing his hands on Yuri’s shoulders, Otabek moved him away and guided him to the couch.

“Couch?” Yuri asked, “Good idea.”

“You’re staying on the couch.  I’m leaving,” Otabek declared.

“What?”

“I’m not doing this.  You’re going to sleep, I’m going home. You can hate me in the morning,” Otabek informed him.

“Fuck you,” Yuri yelled, trying to stand but falling onto the cushion, “Get out!”

“Yeah, I’m gone,” he said, pausing near the kitchen and scribbling a note.

After writing a brief message and reading it, Otabek returned to the living room, seeing Yuri slumped over the table in front of him.  He left the paper on the table and eased Yuri onto the couch, slipping his boots off and covering him with a blanket.  He watched Yuri sleep for several seconds, wishing he appeared this relaxed and angelic always.  Walking to the door, he locked the knob before closing it and rested his forehead on a nearby wall.

“Damn it.”

 

* * *

 

Yuri awoke the next morning with a pounding headache and tried to recall the events of the night before, but it was a blur.  He remembered going to the bar and pounding back shot after shot, losing track after the sixth one.  Sitting up, he looked around his apartment and saw everything in order.  He rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath when his gaze fell on a note laying on the table.  Lifting it, Yuri read it and swore to himself.

 _Yuri,_  
_I gave you a ride home last night.  You were drunk off your ass at Lucky’s.  Word to the wise?  Don’t go back for a while.  Jackie’s a little pissed at you.  Text me if you need a ride to your car.  Number is at the bottom._  
_Otabek_

“Fuck!” Yuri yelled, letting the note drop to the floor.

 

* * *

 

Otabek held onto the handle attached to the interior roof of the truck, bracing as the engine flew over bumps in the road.  The department had been alerted to a boating accident on a nearby lake, and while there were a few ambulances there, a dive team had been dispatched. Even though he wasn’t on the team, Otabek usually volunteered to help with air lines and time the pairs of divers. 

The engine pulled into the gravel lot, the occupants gathering their gear and running towards the shore.  The search-and-rescue commander was explaining the situation and Otabek’s heart fell.  Eight passengers had been on the boat with none of them wearing life jackets.  Four of the adults had been rescued and two had failed breathalyzer tests, leaving three children and one adult unaccounted.

“How long have the missing been under?” a diver asked.

“Approximately ten minutes.  We have to go now.  This will more than likely be a recovery,” the commander informed them.

“We got one of the kids!”

The shout from the water had Otabek running to the waterline.  Seeing a blur of blond pass him, Otabek’s breath caught when he saw Yuri race ahead of him.  He hadn’t seen the paramedic since the night at the apartment, but he thought of him often.  Many nights he laid awake thinking about the feel of Yuri’s lips on his, the taste of him until he thought he’d go mad.  He wanted Yuri, but he craved to be wanted in return.

“Give her to me,” Yuri demanded, taking the child’s body and cradling her against him as he searched for a clear spot on the shore.

“Yuri, here,” Otabek yelled from yards away, “Lay her on her side.”

“I know what I’m doing,” he muttered, falling to his knees.

Yuri turned the girl over in his arms and waited for the water to stop pouring from her mouth and nose.  When he figured enough time had passed, Yuri gently laid her on the ground and started chest compressions.  He counted and bent over to exhale into her mouth, but Otabek beat him to the punch. Counting aloud, Yuri only paused and waited for Otabek to fill the girl’s lungs with air.  He took his stethoscope and pressed it against her tiny chest but didn’t detect a heartbeat. 

They continued resuscitation efforts for another fifteen minutes before they heard another shout from the shore.  Trying to get the attention of other paramedics, Yuri’s mood plummeted when the small bodies were placed in vinyl bags and zipped up before being carried to awaiting ambulances.

Otabek watched Yuri press his clasped hands against the girl’s body with renewed vigor.  Seeing a shadow fall across them, Otabek looked up and saw Yuri’s supervisor.  The woman was watching him sadly and shook her head, swallowing before speaking.

“Yuri,” she said quietly, “It’s time to let her go.  You’ve done all you could.”

“I’m not done,” Yuri said tersely before looking at Otabek, “Breathe.”

“Yuri…”

“Breathe, god damn it!” he shouted, snarling before lowering his face and exhaling into the girl’s mouth.

“Yuri, she’s gone,” the woman said sympathetically.

“I’m not giving up.  I can bring her back,” Yuri muttered.

“I’m calling it,” she said, looking at her watch, “Time of death, 4:43 PM.  Come on, Yuri.  Let the coroner take her.  There’s nothing more we can do.”

“I can help her,” Yuri pleaded, staring at his supervisor in anguish, “Please.”

“Come on, Yuri,” the woman said as she tried to help him up.

“Don’t touch me!” he seethed, jumping to his feet and stalking away.

Otabek watched him disappear behind a cluster of trees and heard an agonizing scream moments later.  He stayed with the body until the team from the coroner’s office reached them before standing.  Taking a deep breath, he went to find Yuri.  Otabek turned the corner and saw him, bent over and his body shaking from sobs.  Walking toward Yuri, he coughed quietly before placing his hand on his back.  Yuri jumped, flinching from the sudden contact and moving away.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Otabek said quietly, “I don’t think you should be alone right now, though.”

“Just go away,” he stated in a broken voice.

“Yuri, let me help.”

“Don’t you get it?” Yuri shrieked, stomping toward him and getting in his face, “I don’t need your help!  I don’t need you!  I don’t need anyone!  Fuck off!”

“Yuri, you don’t…” Otabek started before stars filled his vision.

Shaking his head, Otabek felt the throbbing pain in his jaw.  He moved his mouth and winced in pain, looking up and seeing Yuri standing over him.  Otabek’s eyes widened as he took in Yuri’s clenching fists and heaving chest, could feel the anger pouring from him.

“You hit me,” he said quietly.

“I’ll do it again if you keep this shit up.  You can’t help, no one can.  Leave me the fuck alone,” Yuri warned, “I mean it.”

“Yuri Plisetsky!”

Otabek whipped his head around and gasped when the commander of the paramedic squad marched toward them.  He could tell the man was livid and knew his temper was legendary among all the agencies in the city.  If Yuri incurred his wrath, Otabek knew he was in serious trouble.

“Did you just hit him?” he demanded.

“It’s not a big deal,” Otabek said as he got to his feet, rubbing his jaw.

“Quiet, Altin,” the commander barked, “Mr. Plisetsky, you’ll see to his wound you inflicted and then you can leave.  You’re suspended for a week.  We’ll talk about your continued employment in a review hearing.”

Yuri’s expression dropped in astonishment as he took in the words.  He had let his rage get the best of him and had unleashed it upon Otabek.  He realized the guy was only trying to help him, but Yuri had enough of his prying.  Yuri had put together the missing pieces of the night he gotten abysmally drunk, remembering forcing himself on Otabek and kissing him.  He knew his coping skills were terrible and he reacted impulsively, but Otabek was getting under his skin.  He didn’t like it.

“What?”

“Help him to your unit, patch him up and get out of here," the man said before spinning on his heel.

Yuri fought to contain his desperation as his commander walked away.  His head was swimming from the thought of being suspended.  He needed the distraction of work to deal with the recent deaths.  He couldn’t be stuck at home lost in his mind, knowing he’d self-destruct when he thought about his body count reaching seven now.  Seven souls forever haunting him, forever reminding him what a failure he was.

“Yuri?” Otabek asked.

“Follow me,” he said quietly.

They walked to Yuri’s ambulance and Otabek sat on the floor of the bay, watching Yuri dab disinfectant on the cut along his jaw.  His façade was stoic, but Otabek knew Yuri was hurting terribly.  He remained silent since he didn’t want to push Yuri further.  Feeling Yuri’s gentle touch as he cleaned his wound, Otabek tamped the now familiar feeling he associated with Yuri down, not wanting to complicate matters.

“All set,” Yuri declared, voiced strained, “If it’s not any better in a few days, check in with your doctor.”

“Thank you,” Otabek said, catching his gaze, “Will you let me know if you need anything? You have my number.”

“No, I don’t,” Yuri said, knowing he was lying through his teeth, “Threw it away that morning.  See ya.”

Otabek flinched when Yuri ripped the gloves off his hands and threw them on the ground, spinning around and stomping to his car.  He knew Yuri was angry, but when Yuri slammed his door and backed his car up recklessly before squealing the tires and peeling away, Otabek didn’t realize how deep that anger ran.

“You ok, Altin?”

“Yeah,” Otabek said, glancing and seeing the chief.

“Want me to file a complaint?” he asked.

“No, I don’t.”

Otabek didn’t see the chief shrug before walking off.  He was lost in thoughts of Yuri, wondering how he could make his situation better or how to help.  Though Yuri had told him there was nothing he could do, Otabek knew from his drunken advances Yuri needed someone.

“Damn it,” he whispered, shaking his head before returning to the scene.

 

* * *

 

“What do you want?” Yuri grumbled after answering his door.

“I was in the area,” Otabek said, shoving his hands in his pockets, “Figured I’d stop by and see if you needed anything.”

“No,” he said, pushing the door shut.

“Wait!” Otabek yelped, “I wanted to apologize.”

“Wasn’t your fault.  You didn’t suspend me,” Yuri said, crossing his arms in front of him.

“It was my fault.  I pushed you, and you snapped. I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.  Anything else?” Yuri asked sarcastically, “I’m busy wallowing in self-pity.”

“Yuri, I know you hate me, but have I ever done anything to deserve this?” Otabek asked, Yuri seeing the sadness in his eyes, “Yeah, I’m a firefighter, but I’ve tried.  After I say this, if you want me to leave I’ll go.  Let me help, Yuri.  Let me be a friend.”

Yuri stared at him, stuck between gall and hopelessness.  He wanted to hate Otabek on principle alone and he made it difficult.  No one had been concerned for his well-being since his grandfather passed away until Otabek came into his life.  He didn’t want to lean on him, however, didn’t want to be hurt again.  He chose to flounder alone and slowly self-destruct.

Yuri closed his eyes when he remembered his grandfather’s words about depending on others.  He had instilled in Yuri from the time he was young of the importance of allowing people into his life.  When Yuri fought him on it, his grandfather would tell him it was essential not only to his health but his survival  The minute he pushed people away was paramount to signing his death sentence.  He didn’t want Otabek, but he needed him.  His eyes flying open, he gulped before speaking.

“Stay,” Yuri whispered, pulling Otabek into the apartment.

“What do I need to do, Yuri?” he asked quietly.

“Drive the demons away,” Yuri begged, “Even for a little while.  I can’t do this anymore.”

Otabek exhaled and closed his eyes.  He wanted to help Yuri, but he didn’t want to be used.  Clenching his jaw when he felt slender arms encircle his neck and lips against his, Otabek decided to go against everything he stood for and give in.  Wrapping his arms around Yuri’s waist, Otabek rested his forehead against his and broke the kiss.

“Will anything change between us?” he asked.

“No,” Yuri responded, “I still hate you.”

Otabek nodded though his heart fell to his stomach.  He had grown to care for Yuri and it hurt he loathed him so much.  Thinking if he helped Yuri even just physically, Otabek hoped he’d eventually prove himself and Yuri would feel the same for him. 

“Bedroom,” Yuri gasped, crashing their lips together and wrapping his legs around Otabek’s waist when he lifted him.

 

* * *

 

He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the carpet, regretting his actions for the past few hours.  The sex was great and he enjoyed it, but Otabek felt Yuri’s disconnection.  Actually tasting and feeling Yuri blew away any dreams he had in previous weeks, the willingness of his partner to try anything leaving him in awe.  Yuri’s responsiveness fueled the fire in him, but Otabek knew it was his despair being unleashed.  After Otabek had tenderly loved him the last time, Yuri had fallen asleep. 

Otabek started to stand when a hand grabbed his arm.  Looking down, he saw bright green eyes regard him.  Though he had spent hours gazing into the beautiful, shimmering orbs, Otabek knew he would never get enough of them.

“Don’t go,” Yuri whispered.

“Why?” Otabek asked, “You got what you wanted.”

“Please,” he implored, “Please give me a night of decent sleep.  Chase the nightmares away.”

“What happens when you have another bad night, Yuri?” Otabek inquired, “What am I supposed to do then?”

“There won’t be a next time,” Yuri replied coldly, “Just please.”

Otabek sighed and waged an intense inner battle.  He wanted to help Yuri but hated being his stepping stone.  Nothing would change and it tore at Otabek.  Knowing he would regret it, he nodded.

“Ok, Yuri.  Just for tonight.”

 

 


	4. Backdraft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dangerous event faces Otabek and Yuri has deep regrets.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The more I continue with this fic, the harder it gets. While it's helping, it hurts before things get better. I've written about my battle with PTSD before, but this is almost agony. 
> 
> This is a feels chapter. Those of you that have followed my fics know that this means vague summary, no excerpt. I want you to experience this chapter emotionally. I'm warning you it's going to hurt. Be prepared.
> 
> Now the notes. The research into this chapter was intense, so bear with me:  
> 1) You already know my blurb on what Ativan, but I don't think I've mentioned it's highly addictive. Most medical professionals don't like to prescribe them. As a patient is being tapered of them, they go through withdrawal and it's horrible.  
> 2) Night terrors are pretty much extreme nightmares. They can be flashbacks or your mind can distort them into the worst possible scenario. They're maddening.  
> 3) There are two definitions at the beginning of this chapter that you need to read to understand the last scene. They are extremely dangerous. That's all I'm going to say about that.  
> 4) Theme song for the chapter: [Madness by Muse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek0SgwWmF9w). It's getting easier and easier to channel Yuri. I find it kind of disturbing.  
> 5) I'm going to put a few end notes as I don't want to reveal a few things here. It's just too important to ruin it now. Again, I want you to feel.
> 
> There won't be an update until Monday more than likely, so enjoy your cliffhanger. Yes, I'm a bitch but you love me anyway :P
> 
> Hope you enjoy it, thanks for reading and let me know what you think. If you die, feel free to email your soul to me.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

* * *

Backdraft: A phenomenon in which a fire that has consumed all available oxygen suddenly explodes when more oxygen is made available, typically because a door or window has been opened.

Flashover:  an instance of a fire spreading very rapidly across a gap because of intense heat.

* * *

 

Yuri lied. 

He insisted their encounter would last only one night, but Otabek found himself at Yuri's apartment often. Sometimes it was when Yuri had horrible days, other times when his demons haunted him. Otabek wanted to end their toxic relationship, but he was the only one Yuri had. 

After Yuri had his fill, he would turn his back on Otabek and order him to leave. It hurt him deeply, but Otabek respected Yuri's demand, getting dressed and wishing Yuri a good night before going home. He spent many an evening with Yuri on his mind and it bothered him. He had never felt for anyone like he did for Yuri, and it shattered his very being he loathed him as he did. 

But tonight was different. Yuri pleaded with him to stay. 

Yuri's psychiatrist had refused to prescribe him Ativan any longer as he was relying on the drug too much. If Otabek thought Yuri's attitude was horrible before, it was atrocious now. He snapped at everyone, his sarcasm and insults had reached new levels. Otabek found himself on the receiving end of his anger often, many times belittling him on the job scene or after having sex. He'd marched out of the apartment a few times when he couldn't handle it anymore.

Yuri was overly anxious that night and shook like a leaf. It was nearing the second anniversary of the explosion that changed Yuri's life and he started having flashbacks again. Otabek watched as Yuri stared off into space, agony and fear on his face. He had learned not to touch Yuri during these times as he became violent. 

"It'll be ok, Yuri," Otabek said quietly as he held his trembling figure. 

"It'll never be ok," Yuri argued, his voice devoid of emotion, "I'm going to have this with me forever."

"It'll ease with time," Otabek said, holding him tighter. 

"Shut the hell up. I don't want to talk about this anymore," Yuri snarled before burrowing further against him. 

Otabek held him all night. 

 

* * *

 

The piercing scream ripped him from sleep. His eyes flew open and he looked toward the sound, seeing Yuri upright. His hands were gripping his hair tightly and he shook as he shrieked. Sitting up quickly, Otabek took Yuri in his arms and held him close. 

"I'm here, Yuri," Otabek said quietly, rocking him gently. 

"Why? What did I do wrong?" he whined as the night terror remained. 

"Nothing," Otabek said, brushing back his hair soothingly, "It was beyond your control."

Yuri pushed on Otabek's shoulders and searched his eyes, seeing concern and sympathy in them.   His heart began to pound as emotion he hadn't felt in years filled him. Impulse overcame him and he rose to his knees, capturing Otabek's lips in a crushing kiss. 

 _I broke my own rule._

Abruptly breaking the kiss, Yuri stared at Otabek in mortification. He made Otabek promise to never kiss him when they weren't having sex as it conveyed deeper emotion, Yuri telling him he'd never feel anything for him. He watched as Otabek's gaze dropped to his lips and he leaned forward for another kiss. 

"No," Yuri stated, pushing Otabek away, "I made a huge mistake. It'll never happen again."

"Why is it such a bad thing?" he asked him, "I care for you, Yuri. I care for you so much."

"You need to leave."

"Why won't you give me a chance?" Otabek questioned, "I want to help you."

"Out."

"Yuri, please..." he begged. 

“Out,” Yuri repeated, growing frustrated.

“But I can…” Otabek rambled, jumping when Yuri interrupted him.

“Get out!” he shouted, “I don’t want you here!  I don’t even like you!”

Otabek flinched and gaped at him, wondering how Yuri could show vulnerability for a split second before his wall returned stronger than ever.  It hurt that Yuri kept pushing him away though he kept trying to connect with him.  Otabek wanted to keep up his attempts of breaking through Yuri’s mask, but he was unraveling from the poisonous words consistently hurled at him.

“Alright,” Otabek said, voice full of hurt, “I’ll do it your way.  You know where to find me if you need anything.  I’ll check in with you later.”

“Don’t bother,” Yuri said as he lit a cigarette.

Otabek nodded once and walked through the apartment, exiting moments later.  Leaning against the wall, Otabek stared at the ceiling as he fought the sadness that was overwhelming him.  His heart broke each time Yuri crumbled under the despair plaguing him, but the rejection was too much to take.  After he gathered himself, Otabek flew down the stairs and left the building, wondering if he’d ever be back.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, guys!” one of the dispatchers said cheerfully as she walked into the engine bay, “Some sweet lady left you a bunch of cookies.”

“God bless this community,” Aidan stated, closing his eyes and humming when he took a bite.

“Thanks, Kelly,” Otabek said as he took a cookie.

“No problem,” she said, “Hey Otabek?  I think I saw you leaving Yuri’s apartment this morning.”

“What?" he asked, hoping his face didn’t betray his surprise.

Otabek tried to ignore the stares of his fellow firefighters, but it was difficult.  Yuri was despised by the department and no one associated with him.  He had kept their trysts to himself at Yuri’s persistence and Otabek found himself agreeing, not wanting to be lectured or ridiculed by his coworkers.

“Yeah, I think it was you.  I recognized your jacket.  You looked bummed.  Are you ok?” Kelly asked.

“I’m fine,” Otabek said.

“Alright.  If you need to talk, I’m here for you,” she said, patting him on the shoulder.

“Yeah, thanks.”

Otabek fell into a nearby chair and absently nibbled on his cookie, thinking about the fight he and Yuri had that morning.  He had only wanted to comfort and soothe Yuri, but he had exploded on him after his façade cracked momentarily.  He wanted to think Yuri was coming around, but this morning quelled that belief.

“Altin,” Aidan said, getting his attention, “”What’s going on with you and Plisetsky?”

“Nothing,” Otabek said through gritted teeth.

“Word to the wise, buddy,” he said, “Don’t get involved with that guy.  He’s a mess.  You’re better than that.”

“Yeah,” Otabek said.

_It’s too late.  I’m already beyond involved._

* * *

 

 _[Delivered: 3:26 PM 8/12]_  
_Yuri, haven’t seen you in a while._  
_Everything going ok?_  
_Want to grab lunch or something?_  
_I’ve got an hour._

 _[Read: 3:28 PM 8/12]_  
_Fine._  
_No._

 _[Read: 3:30 PM 8/12]_  
_Ok._  
_Let me know if you need anything._

 

 _[Delivered: 9:26 AM 8/14]_  
_Hey Yuri._  
_Funny coincidence._  
_I found out we both have today off._  
_It’s a beautiful day and my buddy let me borrow his boat._  
_Would you like to go to the lake?_  
_It would be really peaceful._

 _[Read: 10:01 AM 8/14]_  
_No._

 _[Read: 10:13 AM 8/14]_  
_Ok._  
_Hope you have a good day._

_[Delivered: 6:31 PM 8/17]_  
_My shift just ended._  
_Want to go to Lucky’s?_  
_Jackie said she’s not pissed at you anymore._  
_My treat._

_[Read: 7:09 PM 8/17]_

 

* * *

 

The blaze was the worst Otabek had ever seen.  A warehouse in the industrial district had caught on fire and was suspected to be arson.  Otabek knew that when an accelerant was used, it made the situation extremely dangerous.  He listened to the unit commander as he split them into three teams and assigned their respective target areas.  He wasn’t thrilled he was paired with Lenny but figured Nate balanced the team. Grabbing an oxygen tank, Otabek checked the lines and breathing apparatus before putting his helmet on.  He followed his team toward the burning building and tugged his mask over his face, taking a deep breath before he walked through the crumpled metal doors.

Thick, black smoke filled the hallways, and they stopped so Lenny could turn the spotlight on.  They had gone over the blueprints of the warehouse before they split into teams, Otabek in charge of counting the turns until they reached the administrative offices.  His team wasn’t too concerned about their area but stayed alert regardless. 

Having been in the building for almost an hour, Otabek was growing weary.  Switching out oxygen tanks once, they had cleared nearly a dozen offices of flames before hearing over the radio the blaze was over half contained.  The captain had arrived on scene since the fire was so large and asked the team leads if they would like a nearby company for help, but they unanimously agreed it wasn't needed.  Otabek sighed and tapped into his reserves of energy, bracing himself for a long night.

After extinguishing the flames in the individual offices, they made their way to the conference room.  They knew it would be a challenge, but once they completed their task, they would be able to assist the other teams, ultimately making their job pass faster.  Wanting to be finished with their sector, Lenny waved them on before opening the door.

The second the door was opened, the fire in the room climbed the ceiling before contracting into a bright bundle.  Otabek’s heartbeat began to race and breathing quicken when he saw every firefighter’s nightmare unfold before him.  He knew he only had moments to react, but he was frozen in fear.

_Oh shit…_

“Move!” Lenny shouted, “Now!”

Otabek watched the fire race toward him, feeling the intense heat before the flames hit him.  In shock at first, he saw licks of fire dance on his coat before the temperature became overpowering.  Screaming before he dropped to the floor, Otabek felt his energy sapping as he felt his skin tighten when the flames crept under his protective gear.  He knew he was on the verge of passing out and was convinced when he awoke, he’d be meeting his maker.  Resigning himself to fate, Otabek closed his eyes and waited for unconsciousness to claim him, seeing the image of blond hair flash through his mind.

_I’m sorry, Yuri…_

 

* * *

 

Yuri had been at home when his supervisor called and asked if he could assist with standby in a warehouse fire.  He had been informed it was one of the worst the town had seen in years and they needed to prepare for firefighters suffering from exhaustion or smoke inhalation.  He didn’t want to work anymore that day, but Yuri knew it beat sitting at home lost in memories of the past.

When he arrived at the scene, Yuri had been told the teams of firefighters were already inside.  He knew from working with Mason that they would split up and take different parts of the building, systematically combing the area for flames.  Seeing one of the paramedic units he was on friendly terms with, Yuri made his way to them and chatted about their days.  At this point it was a waiting game.

They talked for a while, Yuri listening to the communications from the firefighters inside the building.  Most of it was routine chatter and bored him.  Sometimes a team lead would indicate there was an injury and requested an alternate to take the wounded out before replacing the member.  He treated a couple men for smoke inhalation and abrasions due to falling debris, but when he heard a petrified shout over the radio, chills ran up his spine.

_“Backdraft! We’ve got backdraft and flashover!”_

“Lenny!” the chief barked into the radio, “Lenny, what’s your status?”

Silence.

“Lenny?  Status, over.”

Silence.

“Aidan, Jacob, Liam and Alex, I need you to go in and retrieve them,” he said, waving them  over, “They’re in sector three.  Last report they were entering the conference room.  Go!”

Yuri walked over to the chief and waited for him to finish speaking to the unit commander.  He had talked briefly with the man a few times and had to grown to respect him though he was a firefighter.  When the chief finished his conversation and looked at him, Yuri shifted his position and gathered his thoughts.

“Who’s on the team that encountered the backdraft?” he asked, knowing the phenomenon was especially deadly.

“Williams, Jennings and Altin.”

Yuri’s heart skipped a beat and a cold sweat broke out over him.  He replayed the last night Otabek spent with him in his mind.  He had regretted the way he had acted the past week, but he had been battling the confusion of what Otabek meant to him.  Yuri had decided to text Otabek that weekend and invite him over to explain what he wanted from him, but the cold reality of never getting the chance hit him hard.

“Otabek?” Yuri asked, voice shaky.

“Yeah,” the chief replied, giving him a strange look.

The radio chose that moment to crackle as the rescue team checked in.

_“Lenny’s gone.”_

“What are Nate’s and Otabek’s conditions?” the chief asked, Yuri on edge as he awaited the response.

 _“Nate’s gone as well.  I need another squad to help remove the bodies,”_ the woman stated, _“Approaching Altin now.”_

Yuri didn’t realize he had been holding his breath until pinpricks of black dotted his vision.  He forced himself to take deep breaths so he wouldn’t panic, but fear gripped him.  Any death hurt, but the thought of losing Otabek terrified him.

_Please…no…let him be alive, let him be alive…don’t take him..._

_“Altin is alive but barely.  I need that team asap along with a medic team at the exit!”_

Yuri didn’t hesitate for a second before taking off toward the burning building.  He had to be there when they brought Otabek out and assess his condition.  Knowing the odds were against him, Yuri prayed Otabek had the strength to survive not only a backdraft but a flashover.  He realized he was asking for the impossible as most didn’t survive them, but Yuri begged the gods to let Otabek be the exception.

Yuri gasped when he saw Otabek’s limp body being dragged by two firefighters.  He glanced over his shoulder and saw two of his coworkers arrive with a stretcher.  Gently placing his hands on Otabek’s chest and back, Yuri helped the firefighters lift Otabek onto the stretcher before racing toward the ambulance. 

They quickly loaded Otabek into the bay and Yuri took control of the situation.  He tried to unfasten the buckles of Otabek’s coat but the metal was too hot, choosing to cut the heavy fabric with the strongest scissors he could find.  Yuri sat Otabek up and shoved the coat off his body before cutting his shirt off, tears filling his eyes when he saw the charred flesh on Otabek’s chest and arms.  Sliding a mask over Otabek’s face, Yuri turned the oxygen tank on before turning his attention to the burns.  A mix of black and white surrounded bloody areas of the most severe wounds and Yuri began treating them immediately, opening a drawer and grabbing a burn blanket.  Otabek had started to tremble and Yuri knew he had a chance of developing hypothermia, so he carefully draped the blanket over Otabek.

“Hey!  I need someone to start an IV,” Yuri shouted, issuing orders when a paramedic climbed into the bay, “Check his feet.  His arms and hands are too damaged.  Close the doors.  We have to go now!”

Yuri shouted at the driver to contact the closest emergency room and have them prepare a trauma bay for third-degree burns.  The medic assisting him had found a vein in Otabek’s foot and began an IV.  Setting up a bag of fluid, Yuri hooked it up to the port and selected a high drip to hydrate Otabek. He unlocked the medication bin and selected a strong narcotic.  Yuri had been privy to the weight of Otabek on top of him several times in the past few months and easily guessed a correct dose, drawing an adequate amount of the drug into the syringe.  He slid the needle into the secondary port of the IV and depressed the plunger.  Picking up the intercom of the radio, Yuri relayed Otabek’s condition to the emergency room, giving them their estimated time of arrival and waiting for clearance.  When they were finally allowed admittance to the medical center, Yuri sat back and watched Otabek.

Otabek’s eyes fluttered open slowly and he turned his head.  Trying to focus on the person next to him, he tried to smile but his lips felt taut and dry. He fumbled with the mask and tried to remove it, but Yuri held it in place.

“Leave it on,” he instructed, “Try to relax.”

“Yuri…” Otabek groaned, immediately regretting his attempt at talking as his throat screamed in pain.

“Shh,” Yuri said, pushing back hair that fell over Otabek’s forehead, “I’m here.”

Yuri saw the kindness in Otabek’s eyes before they closed.  They were almost at the hospital when the alarm on the monitor Yuri had hooked Otabek to started beeping.  He looked at the screen and read the stats, quickly figuring out Otabek was going into shock. 

“Come on,” he whispered.

He was frustrated as nothing more could be done until they reached the hospital.  Lifting Otabek’s blackened hand, Yuri held it while yelling at the driver to hurry up.  When a loud, constant blaring filled the bay, Yuri’s very being dropped into his stomach.

"No!" Yuri shouted, looking at the monitor as the alarms sounded and the straight line ran across the screen, "No! You aren't allowed to die!"

He began chest compressions, pushing against Otabek's sternum before breathing into his mouth. Yuri could taste the flavor that was distinctly Otabek and the vice that gripped his heart tightened. Otabek was the only one that tried to understand him, tried to help and Yuri had taken advantage of him. He took what he needed without giving a second thought, and here it was slipping through his fingers. 

"Come on, dammit!" he yelled, climbing onto the gurney, "I'm not losing you!"

The remainder of the drive to the hospital seemed to take forever. Yuri didn't notice when the ambulance halted abruptly and the doors flew open, only looking up when he felt the stretcher move. He continued resuscitation efforts while the other paramedics and an orderly raced them into the emergency room. Yuri listened while the other EMT informed them of Otabek's condition and vitals. Focusing on his face, Yuri tried to memorize Otabek's features: strong jaw, gorgeous mouth, smooth tan skin, perfect nose, the silky dark hair he loved to grab when they had sex. Not realizing he cried out until several people looked at him, Yuri leaned over and whispered into Otabek's ear. 

"Otabek, listen to me. I know you can hear me," he said quietly, "Wake up. You're not allowed to die on me. I need you, Otabek, I want you."

"Come on, Yuri," his coworker said as he helped him off the gurney, "Time to let them take over."

Yuri nodded and climbed off the gurney, numb as he followed his coworker into the hall. He hadn't felt this disconnected since his grandfather was buried and it startled him. It wasn't like losing a patient on his watch. This was much worse. When he figured it out, Yuri covered his face as he slid down the wall, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

"Please don't leave me," Yuri whispered before sobs consumed him. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now the heartbreaking notes as I need to explain the treatment.
> 
> 1) Otabek is suffering from third-degree burns. The shock and trauma to his body is tremendous and can be life-threatening.  
> 2) The treatment Yuri gives him is standard EMS protocol (according to research and asking someone familiar with burn treatment). The most important things in initial treatment en route to a hospital is making sure the airway is clear and the patient is breathing, starting fluid resuscitation, burn treatment and pain management as necessary. Third-degree burns usually don't have immense pain, but second-degree burns generally surround them and are immensely painful.
> 
> That's it.


	5. It's Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After figuring out his feelings, Yuri realizes it's time for a heartfelt confession.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like Yuri lied, so did I. I said I wasn't going to post this chapter until tomorrow, but I changed my mind. 
> 
> I finally decided this fic is going to wrap up in two chapters. It doesn't need to go any further than that as their story has almost been told. We're at a turning point now though I'll warn you it's still going to hurt. I don't think as bad, but there's a lot to work through.
> 
> I don't think there are many notes for this chapter, but here we go:  
> 1) Physical therapy is pretty much self-explanatory. It's getting your body back in shape to function properly after an injury.  
> 2) Occupational therapy/OT is therapy that helps patients relearn skills that are necessary for basic living functions. Sometimes it's fine motor skills, other times learning how to write, bathe, socialize and other skills. It also includes some mental help, but it's usually paired with psychological assistance.  
> 3) Third degree burns heal into shades of grey and white. They require multiple skin graft surgeries.  
> 4) Theme song of this chapter is [Apologize by OneRepublic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAQ1WeCKQEk). I'm not too fond of them but have always like this one. I'm sure some of you are getting sick of the theme songs, but you don't know how much they help channel my emotion and pour my feelings into my writing. It's a method thing.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

Thunder rumbled overhead and a steady rain fell on the caskets in front of him.  The families of the fallen had decided upon a joint ceremony so the community could grieve as one.  The mayor had declared the day one of mourning, most of the businesses closing along with the entire school system.  The turnout was astronomical which the families and department appreciated, but everyone’s hearts ached. 

Yuri wasn’t paying attention to the words spoken by the minister, choosing instead to stare at the steel grey caskets.  While he didn’t care for firefighters, the deaths hurt him as well.  It was always difficult to lose people, but it made it worse when it was part of his rescue family.  The mood within the paramedic brigade was somber.  Many a story was told of those lost as his coworkers remembered them fondly.  When a memory of Otabek was mentioned, Yuri quickly excused himself and retreated to the bathroom, locking the door before breaking into tears.  He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but Yuri missed him terribly.

Breaking from his trance when people walked past him, Yuri looked around and scanned the crowds for the families of the deceased.  He made his way toward them, giving them his condolences and leaving the cemetery.  He had taken the vacation time he had accumulated over the past eighteen months and decided to go out of town.  While walking to his car, dread fell over him as he thought about his trip.  Yuri hadn’t been back in over two years and never wanted to return.  But he was needed and knew there was no place he’d rather be.  Reaching his vehicle, he sighed in resignation and drove home to pack.

 

* * *

 

The first thing he felt was excruciating pain all over his body, his initial reaction to panic.  He tried to breathe, but suffocation consumed him.  His eyes flew open but his vision was blurry.  He heard a familiar voice in the distance and turned his head toward the sound.

“Calm down, Otabek. Let the respirator do its job.  Relax.”

The fogginess faded and he focused on the chief.  Memories of the fire came back to him, and he remembered being blasted with heat and flames.  Intense panic gripped him as he recalled the flames racing up his protective gear and the screams tearing from him, falling to the floor convinced he was going to die.  Waking up and realizing he was still among the living was a relief, comforted by the thought his parents weren’t burdened with the task of burying their only child.

“Otabek,” the chief said, glancing up at the beeping monitors, “I need you to calm down.  It’s going to be ok.  You’re going to be alright now.”

Otabek pled with his eyes, wishing his boss could hear his silent questions.  Where was he?  How long had he been out?  What happened to Lenny and Nate?  He raised his arms to gesture for a pad as he’d seen other burn victims do, the only way he could communicate.  When he saw the marred flesh on his hands, tears filled his eyes and his chest heaved as fear consumed him.

He didn’t realize anyone else was in the room until he felt a hand take his and squeeze gently.  He looked down and saw a slender hand covered with a glove, gaze trailing up the slim arm until falling on the face he never expected to see.

_Yuri…_

His heart skipped a beat but sadness filled him.  The times Yuri had yelled at him, hurting him terribly with the words falling from the lips he craved to taste so often.  When Yuri kissed him, only to pull back and tell him it was a mistake, Otabek didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to keep his heart from shattering.  While he was grateful Yuri was with him, it hurt terribly to see him after the terms they parted last they saw each other.

“Focus on me, Otabek,” Yuri said, “I want you to melt into the bed like a pat of butter.  Close your eyes and listen to me.  Think of a pleasant memory.”

Images of the nights they spent together raced through his mind.  While they weren’t incredibly happy, Otabek had been content in the moment.  He got to touch and fill the object of his heart’s desire.  It was the only time Yuri had been pleased by Otabek’s company and he held onto it with an ironclad grasp.  He felt the anxiousness flow from him and opened his eyes, staring into the emerald green of Yuri’s.  He wanted to ask so much of him, but he didn’t want to know the answers.

“Chief, can you grab the letter board on the table?” Yuri asked, thanking him when he handed him the large piece of cardboard, “Point to the letters for your words.  Chief, can you write them down?”

Otabek lifted his hand and squeezed his eyes shut momentarily when he saw the angry red skin peeking from under the bandages of his hands.  Opening them, he touched various letters on the board and hoped he was communicating his message clearly.  After he was done with his first question, he dropped his arm in exhaustion and looked at the chief. 

“You’re in the burn unit in the capital,” the man explained, “You’ve been out for five days.”

Otabek turned his head slowly and looked at Yuri.  He knew Yuri never wanted to return to the city as it brought back the painful memories of losing the family he tried to rescue two years ago.  It meant a lot to Otabek that Yuri had swallowed his disdain and came to the hospital.  Motioning for the board again, he waited for Yuri to hold it before asking the next question.

“Are you sure you want to know right now?” the chief asked, waiting for Otabek to nod his head, “The burns cover forty-five percent of your body.  They’re a mix of second and third degree.”

Otabek’s chest heaved as sadness and hopelessness hit him like a ton of bricks.  He knew it would take him a long time to overcome the injury physically and would have many surgeries ahead of him to repair the damage.  Otabek had always considered himself a strong person that could go with the flow of any challenge that faced him, but this would test every fiber of his being. 

Yuri waited patiently as Otabek asked question after question.  Once he figured out what Otabek meant to him, he knew he had to be there for him.  It killed him inside as he waited for Otabek to wake up and tried his best to distract himself.  Yuri had pissed off the entire nursing staff, marching to the nurse’s station and demanding Otabek’s bandages be changed or his pain medication when he began to moan in agony.  He had reminded them many times he knew what was going on and familiar with the protocol of Otabek’s treatment, threatening to care for Otabek himself if they didn’t attend to him immediately.  The nurses on duty would reiterate time and again he had no privileges at the hospital, finally telling him if he didn’t calm down he’d be removed from the premises.

The next inquiry made Yuri’s heart still. 

“Why am I here?” he asked, watching Otabek nod.

Yuri paused as he racked his brain for an answer.  He was afraid to tell Otabek the truth.  He had treated him horribly and didn’t know if he’d be forgiven, didn’t want to be dismissed.  Yuri needed to be here not only for Otabek but for himself.  He wanted to prove to Otabek how much he meant to him and he would be there for him during his recovery. 

“I wanted to make sure they’d do it right.  I don’t need another addition to my body count,” Yuri finally revealed, hating he omitted the most important part.

_I can’t leave you, Beka.  I’ll die inside if anything happens to you now._

Otabek wilted when he heard Yuri’s answer.  He wanted to believe Yuri wished to be there to help him out of the kindness of his heart but knew he didn’t have it in him.  He had suppressed any feeling of compassion save for his patients long ago.  He was relieved to have someone who knew what was going on, but Yuri’s coldness was something he couldn’t handle.

“Altin,” the chief said, Otabek’s head turning to look at him, “I have to go back home.  We’re short staffed and Patrick has been blowing up my phone.  I’ll be back this weekend.  If you need anything, have Yuri get ahold of me.”

Otabek nodded and watched him leave his room, averting his eyes to Yuri when they were alone.  Yuri was staring at the monitor and fiddling with the drip rate of his IV.  He took in the exhaustion etched on Yuri’s face and wondered how long he’d been there, how many hours he’d been awake.  Yuri was one to throw himself into his work no matter the cost, but Otabek didn’t want to be the reason he crashed.  Trying to muster the strength to make a sound to get Yuri’s attention, he barely recognized the hoarse rumble escaping him despite the tube of the respirator.

“What?” Yuri asked when he looked at him, nodding when Otabek pointed at the board and touched it when he lifted it, “How long have I been here? Three days.”

Otabek nodded and debated on asking the thought that was on his mind, ultimately deciding he wanted to know.

“I’m going to be here at least four weeks.  I took all my vacation time,” Yuri explained, shaking his head when Otabek apologized, “Don’t worry about it.”

The haziness that clouded Otabek’s train of thought began to clear and he remembered more details of the fateful night that resulted in his current predicament.  He heard Lenny’s shout to run, the terrified yell over the radio about the backdraft and flashback.  He saw the flames shoot down the hallway and cut down his partners before he slipped into unconsciousness.  Looking at the board again, Otabek moved his fingers over the letters before directing his attention to Yuri.

“Nate and Lenny didn’t make it,” Yuri said quietly, “They were buried the day I left.  They had a joint funeral and it was beautiful.  Everyone misses them.”

Otabek closed his eyes and shifted his head to look away from Yuri, not wanting him to see the tears forming.  His eyes stung as did his heart when he remembered working with Lenny and Nate.  The two loved to tease him as he was the squad member that had been with the company the least.  Lenny was a seasoned veteran getting ready to retire and was growing restless as his final days approached.  Otabek loved hearing stories about Lenny’s career, often left in awe or reduced to laughter when told tales of years past.  Nate had been incredibly patient with him and Otabek had a fast friend in him.  He could go to Nate for anything and knew he wouldn’t be judged.  He was the only one he told about Yuri and though Nate stated he didn’t think it was a good idea, he told him he’d stand behind Otabek’s decision.

“Hey,” Yuri said softly, placing a hand on his cheek and gently moving Otabek’s head back and holding his gaze, “I’m sorry for the loss of your friends.  I know they meant a lot to you.”

Otabek nodded and touched Yuri’s gloved hand before pointing at the board, telling him he was exhausted and wanted to rest.  Yuri told him he understood and promised he’d be here when he awoke.  As Otabek drifted back to sleep, he was almost certain he imagined Yuri’s lithe fingers running through his hair.

 

* * *

 

Otabek’s breathing tube was removed four days after he regained consciousness.  His throat was raw and though Yuri yelled at him to reserve his voice, Otabek kept trying to talk to him.  Yuri grew frustrated with Otabek’s questions and answered them cryptically.  Otabek had been confused by the replies but chose not to push him, remembering Yuri’s explosions in the past.

The following week Otabek began physical therapy.  The pain had him crying out many times, tears forming in his eyes as his skin was stretched uncomfortably.  Yuri was a reassuring presence as he encouraged him.  When Otabek thought he couldn’t handle anymore, Yuri would reach for his hand and hold it until his therapy session was over.  Otabek found himself once again glad Yuri was there.

Yuri had left for lunch one afternoon when his occupational therapist visited.  The man had wanted him to learn how to clean his burns since he was growing stronger each day.  Otabek hadn’t seen the damage to his body and had been dreading the moment it finally arrived.  He knew he’d have to confront the scars on him and learn to live with them.  He took deep breaths as the therapist helped him undress, leaving him in his boxers and guiding him into the bathroom.  Otabek looked at the wall that held the large mirror Yuri had covered when first arriving.  When he asked about it, Yuri assured him he wasn’t mentally prepared to handle it.  The therapist walked over to it and grasped the blanket, asking Otabek if he was ready.  Taking a deep breath, Otabek gasped as he stared at the reflection.  Tan clashed with the white and grey skin on his neck, chest, arms and upper thighs.  The sores left from the fire had faded to pink but were still visible.  What tore at him the most was the scars covering his body.  Otabek’s heart and soul plummeted into the abyss as his eyes slowly scanned the image before him, sobbing loudly before covering his mouth with a marred hand.  Not only did he hurt physically, but the pain that flooded him mentally was too much to bear.

“I can’t do this,” Otabek choked out, staggering to the door.

“Ok,” his therapist said softly, “We can try another day.  May I make a recommendation, Otabek?”

“What?”

“Would you be willing to talk to a psychologist?” he asked, “You’ve suffered a terrible trauma and you’re going to need some help dealing with it.”

“Can I think about it?” Otabek asked, thanking him when he nodded.

Otabek was helped back to bed and rolled onto his side away from the door.  He knew Yuri would be back anytime and he didn’t want to deal with him.  He tuned out the sounds coming from the hallway and became lost in the doubts and fears running through his mind.  He was monstrous now, permanently flawed for the rest of his life. While he knew it was a risk from the occupation he had, Otabek never thought an injury like this would ever befall him.

Hearing Yuri come into the room and drop his bag on the floor, Otabek burrowed further into the mattress.  He felt the nudge against the bed and knew Yuri was leaning against the rails like he had so many times in the past few weeks.  He wanted to reach out and beg for Yuri to comfort him and take away the pain he felt but knew it would never be possible.

“How did OT go?” Yuri asked.

“You need to go,” Otabek said, voice gravelly from crying.

“What?” he asked incredulously, “Why?”

“I don’t need you here,” Otabek responded, closing his eyes as tears filled them again.

“Since when?”

“Since today,” he answered, “You’re here because of your guilt.  I don’t need your pity.  I’m not a fucking charity case.”

“Who said you were?” Yuri asked, growing angry and desperate.

“It’s obvious, Yuri.  You’ve never been interested in me or what I needed.  I’m tired of being used.  I don’t have the energy for it anymore,” Otabek confessed.

“Will you turn around?” Yuri asked, marching around the bed to the other side and holding Otabek’s face, forcing him to look at him, “I’m not here because of guilt.  I need to be here.  I needed to tell you I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late to apologize,” he said, taking in the agony in Yuri’s eyes.

“Please don’t say that,” Yuri begged, “When I kissed you, I told you it was a mistake.  It wasn’t.  I knew then I needed you.”

“Just go.”

“Not until I say what’s on my heart,” Yuri argued, “Please listen to me.  You don’t know how afraid I was when I heard you were in the backdraft.  I went on auto-pilot and just took over.  I didn’t want anyone else helping you.  Then you died on me.  I hadn’t felt like that since my grandfather passed away, but this time it was worse.  It was someone I cared so much about.  I didn’t want to leave you when we got to the hospital.  I’ve never cried like that in my life.  I thought you were gone forever.”

“I can’t anymore, Yuri,” Otabek admitted, “How do I know you aren’t going to change your mind?  How do I know that when things get bad, you aren’t going to snap on me and tell me how much you don’t care for me?”

“I’m not going to,” Yuri stated, “I’m never going to change my mind.”

“Go.”

“Listen to me,” he pled, “I need and want you.  I want you in my life.  You’re my heart.  I’m so sorry I kept it from you, but let me prove it to you.  I can’t take back the past, but let me in your future.  Please.”

“Look at me!” Otabek roared, yanking the sheet down so Yuri could see his imperfect body, “I’m grotesque! I’m disgusting!”

“No, you’re not,” Yuri countered.

“You’re so full of shit,” Otabek mumbled as he looked away.

“You’re beautiful, Beka,” he professed, “You always have been and always will be.  You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, both inside and out.”

Otabek stared at Yuri after listening to his confession.  He never thought he’d hear the words come from Yuri and while he wanted to believe it, Otabek was terrified of relying on him.  Yuri hated him for what he was and knew he was mentally scarred himself.  Otabek didn’t know how Yuri could support him when he had demons of his own.

“I want to believe you,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, “I really do.”

“Give me a chance.”

“If I do, you have to promise me one thing,” Otabek said.

“Anything,” Yuri declared.

“Don’t push me away.  Don’t reject me,” he said, “If you do, I don’t think I’m going to survive.”

“Can I tell you something?” Yuri asked, waiting for him to nod, “I love you.  I know that now.  I think I always have, but I’m so afraid to let anyone in. I lose everyone I care for.  I almost lost you, and I can’t deal with that.  Please give me a chance.”

“Don’t fuck this up, Yuri,” Otabek warned.

“I won’t,” he professed, “Ever.  Please.”

“Alright,” Otabek said.

Emotion overwhelmed Otabek when Yuri cupped his cheek, smiling before lowering his head and capturing Otabek's lips in a sweet kiss.

 

* * *

 

The day came that Yuri had to return to work, but he drove the two hours to the hospital back and forth each day to stay the night with Otabek.  Yuri had begun to prove to Otabek how much he meant to him, smiling each time he entered his room and kissing him before uttering a word.  He checked in with Otabek several times a day, asking if he needed anything or to only tell him he loved him.  It bolstered Otabek’s spirits and kept him afloat during the trying times while Yuri was away.  His therapy sessions were grueling and Otabek hated them, but knew they were necessary.  Yuri would inquire about therapy each night, running his fingers through Otabek’s soft hair as he talked.  Otabek was slowly overcoming his doubts with Yuri,  opening up and allowing himself to lean on him.  While he silently hoped Yuri wouldn’t revert to his old self, Otabek thought he was off to a good start.

One night they were watching a movie when Otabek felt Yuri’s hand in his and squeeze slightly.  Looking over at him, he saw Yuri’s head resting against the rail and take a deep breath.  He frowned and touched the braided blond hair before Yuri spoke.

“Sadie was only nine months old.  She was too young to know what was going on, but she screamed the loudest,” he said quietly.

“Yuri, you don’t have to,” Otabek said as he smoothed the loose tendrils of his hair back.

“Yeah, I do,” Yuri protested, lifting his head and catching Otabek’s gaze, “I need to let go.  It’s the only way I’m going to heal.”

“Ok.”

“Charlotte was already dead,” Yuri said, his voice cracking as he remembered her slumped over the wheel, “We didn’t find out until they pulled her out.  There wasn’t any smoke in her airway. She was their mom.  Gabriel was their son.  He was three and was such a beautiful child.  He was so scared.”

Otabek ran his thumb over Yuri’s hand as he took a deep breath, waiting for him to continue.  He knew this was extremely difficult for Yuri to talk about.  Squeezing his hand before smiling softly at him, Yuri nodded and continued.

“Taylor was five.  She had just started kindergarten the week before.  Her teacher told me she was so excited and was so smart.  Her classmates had a terrible time when they found out about her death.  And then there was Robert.”

Otabek watched tears fill Yuri’s eyes before they spilled down his cheeks. He had read the report when it circulated throughout the rescue community.  He knew Yuri had tried everything in his power to save the family, but all was for naught.  Otabek realized his hatred for firefighters stemmed from that night before he met Yuri, but never put the two together until he met him.

“Robert just watched me.  He knew.  He knew they were going to die.  I kept tugging at that door while Mason kept looking for that fucking crowbar.  He gave up. He told the firefighters to take me away before the car exploded.  If I just had five more minutes…”

The tears flowed freely down Yuri’s cheeks as sobs escaped him.  Otabek sat up and lowered the railing, scooting to the side before pulling Yuri into the bed.  Holding him as he cried, Otabek whispered words of comfort as Yuri worked out the emotions he’d contained for so long.  Otabek had been waiting for this moment since they started sleeping together and thought it would never happen, but hearing Yuri talk about it made his heart fill with love.  He knew then Yuri trusted him fully and truly loved him. 

“Thank you for telling me, Yura,” Otabek said when Yuri’s crying ceased, “I know it hurts but it means the world to me.”

“I’ve never told anyone before,” he divulged, lifting his head and looking at Otabek, “I wanted to bury it forever, but now it feels right. I’m never going to live again if I keep it in me.”

“No, you won’t.  I’m here for you.  I’ll always be here for you,” Otabek stated.

“And I you,” Yuri said before chuckling, “We’re one fucked up mess, aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Otabek said, smiling at him, “But we can be one fucked up mess together.”

“It’s not going to be easy, but we’ll get through it.”

“I know we will,” Otabek whispered, lowering his head and kissing Yuri.

 

 


	6. Spirits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Otabek is released from the hospital, he and Yuri struggle to come to terms with their demons.
> 
>  
> 
> “I’m so sorry, Yura,” Otabek whispered, “I’ve been so involved in getting me back on track, I’ve neglected you.”
> 
> “I’ve been trying to hide it,” Yuri admitted through sobs, “You have more to worry about than I do.”
> 
> “Nonsense,” Otabek countered.
> 
> “It’s worse this year,” Yuri whispered, “I’m constantly hearing their screams. I see Sadie kicking against her car seat and Taylor beating on the window. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can't deal with their spirits anymore. It’s driving me crazy.”
> 
> “What do you need me to do?” he asked.
> 
> "Help me help myself."
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of this story. This is the second to the last chapter and while I'm sad it's coming to a close, it's time. This chapter still hurt but it is a different kind of pain. You'll see. It's time to see that bright sun again.
> 
> Here are the notes. Research was crazy in this chapter but I generalized a lot of it. Here we go:  
> 1) Burn aftercare is intense. There are several different kinds of moisturizers, antibacterial ointments and other topical treatments along with bandages and compression gear. The compression helps keep swelling to a minimum and helps keep infection at bay.  
> 2) Skin grafts are often necessary for third-degree burn victims to help their skin heal as there is so much damage. The patches of skin can come from undamaged areas of the victim, cadavers or animals (typically pigs). Most victims have several grafts.  
> 3) Burn victims suffer not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. It takes extensive therapy and a strong support system to overcome their trauma.  
> 4) There are a few mental hospitals that are dedicated to PTSD treatment only as patients have needs that are unique in the mental health spectrum. Most facilities aren't prepared to deal with them specifically which is a shame. For those that don't know what PTSD is, it's post-traumatic stress disorder. It's a condition that sometimes develops after extreme stress or trauma, often life-threatening. Symptoms include isolation, disassociation, depression, hyperawareness, irritability, insomnia, anxiety, night terrors and panic attacks. There are more, but these are the ones I've experienced. It literally changes your life.  
> 5) Theme song which I need to explain as some might think it contradicts my own PTSD: [Spirits by The Strumbellas](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9kXstb9FF4). There is a lyric that says "I've got guns in my head and they won't go". It's a metaphor. Guns in this case deals with the explosive action that a gun would have, but applied to the frustration and hopelessness of depression or trauma. Hope that makes sense. This song fits both Yuri and Otabek in this chapter.
> 
> Hope you like it, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

* * *

 

 _And I don't want a never ending life_  
_I just want to be alive while I'm here_  
_And I don't want to see another night_  
_Lost inside a lonely life while I'm here_

 

* * *

 

 

Otabek was released from the hospital three months after the deadly fire, he and Yuri growing closer during their time spent together.  His stay in the hospital changed Otabek not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well.  As his wounds healed, his skin was almost unbearable.  The amount of time it took to change his bandages annoyed him, the compression of his dressings painful.  His various therapies exhausted his body and mind.   Otabek had been treated for infection once and Yuri insisted on taking time off work to help care for him.  He had argued with Yuri that it wasn’t necessary, but Otabek knew he was concerned about him.

It made Otabek fall in love with him even more.

The changes in his body drove Otabek mad.  When his skin started to heal, the itching was agonizing.  Each time he dug his fingers under his bandages to scratch the patches of damaged skin, Yuri would gently take his hands and kiss them before removing the dressing, applying ointment to ease his discomfort.  Yuri would capture his lips in a brief kiss, telling Otabek he was going to the nurse’s station to request medication to help, returning to hold Otabek until the painful feeling disappeared.

Otabek had agreed to meet with a psychologist specializing in the aftermath of burn injures and he found the woman quite helpful. She was a victim herself, being wounded in a grease spill as a child, and Otabek knew she understood what he was going through.  He appreciated she didn’t push him to talk about memories he didn’t want to approach yet.  It was still fresh in his mind and each time he thought of it, he broke out into a cold sweat.  They were so unnerving he couldn’t even tell Yuri.

A few days before Otabek was discharged, Yuri used some of his personal days so he could attend the burn aftercare courses Otabek’s medical team had recommended.  Yuri took the classes seriously and collected as much information as possible in addition to filling two notebooks.  Each night, Yuri would go over what he learned with Otabek, pausing only to wipe the tears from Otabek’s eyes.  When Yuri asked what was wrong, Otabek had no words for him but shared the love he felt for Yuri with a tender kiss.

But now Otabek was going home and he was scared.

The drive back was long and uncomfortable for him.  His body ached and he was exhausted, but the tension in his skin was becoming overwhelming.  He didn’t want to complain and ask Yuri to pull over as he wanted to be at home. 

“Are you ok?” Yuri asked, glancing from the road to look at him. 

“Fine,” Otabek answered.

“You’ve been a wiggle worm for the past twenty minutes. Need a break?”

“No,” he said though he wanted to get out of the car.

“It’s time, Beka,” Yuri stated, guiding the vehicle toward an exit ramp, “Your bandages need to be changed, and I’m sure you need your ointments.”

“I’ll be alright,” Otabek argued.

“That’s how you’re going to get in trouble,” he declared, pointing a finger at Otabek, “If you don’t follow your care instructions, you’re going to feel worse than you do now.”

“I just want to go home,” Otabek said quietly.

“I know, but let me help you.  We’ll be home soon.  I promise,” Yuri explained, taking Otabek’s hand and lifting it to his lips, kissing the scars several times.

Otabek wanted to pull his hand away as he watched Yuri kiss the reminders of how disfigured he was now.  Yuri had told him many times he still found him the most beautiful person he had ever laid eyes on, but Otabek couldn’t see it himself.  Each time he would shower, he would stare at the mirror and his self-loathing bubbled within him. Otabek wished every single day he could rewind time and go back to that tragic night.  He would have swallowed his fear and ran, he would have suggested another course of action.  He wished he knew then what he knew now, but it was a dream that would never come to fruition.

Yuri pulled into a hotel parking lot and helped Otabek out of the car.  He was so stiff and felt as if his skin was crawling.  Yuri was incredibly patient as he helped ease him from his seat, holding his hand while they walked to the building.  Otabek scanned the lobby for the closest bathroom, but when he heard Yuri request a room, Otabek’s jaw dropped.

“We’re staying here?” he asked.

“Only long enough to clean and change your dressings,” Yuri explained, “Fast food bathrooms aren’t very sanitary.”

“It’s a waste of money, Yura.”

“I’d spend every dime I have if it kept you safe and healthy,” Yuri said quietly as he held Otabek’s gaze.

 

* * *

 

Yuri chose to sublet his apartment to a coworker and stay with Otabek after he returned home. Otabek argued he'd be all right on his own as he didn’t want to be a burden to him, but Yuri didn’t listen.  He’d put in his eight hours at work, refusing all overtime or calls to care for Otabek.  He provided a great distraction on Otabek’s worst days. Sometimes they would watch movies or play games, other days Yuri held Otabek on the couch and feathered his fingers through his dark brown hair. 

The time Yuri was away was excruciating for Otabek.  He had to apply his various ointments and take medication several times while Yuri was at work.  He hated it with a passion.  Staring at his mottled skin, Otabek’s emotions swung between anger and despair.  He wanted to punch the mirror many times but knew it would only make things worse.  After he was done with his new routine, Otabek would slide to the tile floor, hugging his knees and crying until he was numb.

The nights were worse.  Not only was he plagued with night terrors but he couldn’t handle having Yuri in the same bed with him.  His body was too sensitive even with cotton pajamas and his compression bandages.  He loved it when Yuri held him and fought the jolts of pain when he felt Yuri’s delicate frame press against him.  The first two nights after coming home was torture sharing a bed, Otabek up for hours as Yuri moved around in his sleep.  When Yuri woke up and smiled at him the next morning, Otabek felt horrible telling him it hurt too much having him next to him.  Yuri understood and slept on the couch from then on.

The terror that crept into his mind and wrapped its dark tendrils throughout his psyche that night almost destroyed him.

His petrified screams woke him up as he bolted upright in his bed.  Otabek didn’t see Yuri fly into the room, sitting on the bed before gathering him into his arms.  He was lost in the images his subconscious mind created and it rocked him to the core.  This time he watched as his flesh melted off his body until he was a bloodied skeleton.  He stared at the bone and sinew on his hands as the fire consumed the tissue that was left on him. 

“Nothing left,” Otabek gasped, “There’s nothing left.”

“Talk to me, Beka,” Yuri said in between giving Otabek gentle kisses on his forehead.

“The fire,” he said, looking at Yuri, “It melted me.  I was bones.  That’s all I’m going to be.  Bones and disgust.”

“No,” Yuri disagreed, “You’re changed, but you’re still you.”

“How do you not find me grotesque?” he asked.

“I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again. You are beyond beautiful, Beka,” Yuri said, grasping Otabek’s chin with a hand making him look at him, “You’re always going to be beautiful in my eyes.”

“Do you see how people look at me, Yura?” he asked, “I’m a freak.  A monster.”

“Fuck them,” Yuri growled, “They don’t know you, and frankly if they’re going to be assholes I don’t think you need to know them.”

“I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this,” Otabek whispered, averting his eyes to the sheet covering him.

“I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through and I’m not going to try,” Yuri confessed, “But you’re so strong.  I know you have it in you.  If you feel like you’re falling, I promise I’ll be there to catch you.”

Otabek felt tears form in his eyes, slowly slipping down his cheeks.  He was used to being the one offering comfort and aid to others, but now it was his turn to depend on someone else.  He never thought that someone would be Yuri.

“Please don’t leave me,” Otabek cried softly.

“I’m not going anywhere.  I’ll stay forever as long as you’ll have me,” Yuri said, learning forward and kissing Otabek.

 

* * *

 

Otabek returned to work a little over six months after the fire, and he was a nervous wreck.  He hadn’t been cleared for active duty, but the chief was willing to let him perform other tasks at the firehouse.  His coworkers were thrilled to have Otabek back but could tell he had changed.  He didn’t joke as often as he used to, his smile had lost its shine and pain filled his eyes.  Otabek had overheard a conversation between Aidan and another firefighter about how somber he was, wondering if there was something that could be done to lift his spirits.

That’s when Yuri started showing up at the fire station during his free time.

Yuri had begun to accept the firefighters of the small community after the funeral and especially in the time Otabek was in the hospital.  He was cordial when they crossed paths on job scenes or saw each other at staging centers.  Yuri found himself chatting with several firefighters eventually and genuinely liked them.  They talked about the community, families, and what was important to them. 

They asked about Otabek regularly.

The chief had let it slip that he was staying with Otabek while he was in the hospital.  Yuri liked to keep his private life to himself, and it annoyed him others learned about his connection with Otabek.  Most of Otabek’s coworkers were hesitant about Yuri helping him but gradually changed their minds when they found out how well Otabek was doing.  The chief had explained when several of his employees came to him with their concerns that Yuri was a patient and reassuring fixture in Otabek’s life.  The majority of them accepted it and thanked Yuri for being there for one of their brothers.

Aidan was another story entirely.

He had cornered Yuri one night after he had finished a long night, Aidan using his height in an attempt to intimidate Yuri.  Trying to stay calm and not to let his short temper get the best of him, Yuri listened as Aidan spat words at him, his thinly veiled threats sinking into Yuri.  Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Yuri assured him that Otabek’s recovery was first and foremost on his mind, finally admitting that he cared deeply for Otabek.  Aidan was reluctant at first, but as he saw Otabek’s spirits lift each time Yuri was around he changed his mind. 

Aidan became their biggest supporter.

The time came when Yuri officially asked Otabek to date him.  They had been together for a while but had never talked about commitment.  Otabek assumed they were already in a relationship, but Yuri said he wanted to hear his affirmation.  Yuri’s declaration made Otabek feel incredibly wanted and loved, something he needed desperately.

His mental state was slipping but he had perfected the mask he showed others.  Otabek watched as the engine pulled out each time there was a call and his mood fell further.  He wanted to be out there but didn’t know if he’d ever be ready again.  Otabek had fallen to the point his dream no longer meant anything to him and had trouble finding anything to make him happy.  He had Yuri, but couldn’t pin his everything on him.  Yuri had demons of his own to deal with and it wouldn’t be fair to dump his on him.  Deciding to grin and bear it, Otabek kept it to himself.

Until the night his mask finally shattered.

Yuri noticed Otabek was strangely quiet that night and withdrawn.  He hadn’t offered to touch or kiss Yuri since coming home that evening, concerning Yuri.  After dinner, they settled in the living room to watch a movie.  When Otabek sat on the opposite end of the couch, Yuri had enough.

“What’s going on, Beka?” he asked, sliding closer to him and taking his hand, frowning when Otabek removed it.

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit,” Yuri argued, “You’ve been pulling further away every day.  Talk to me.”

“I’m fine,” Otabek said through gritted teeth.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m fine!” Otabek shouted as he glared at Yuri, “Drop it!”

“No!” Yuri yelled, “I’m not letting you do this to yourself!  You’ve come so far, Beka, and you’ve been so brave.  Let me help you.”

Otabek stared at the table in front of him as he debated whether to tell Yuri.  He had been nothing but kind and helpful while Otabek came to terms with everything as he settled into his new life.  It left Otabek feeling guilty and dead inside.

“I don’t like this,” he whispered, stifling a cry as the feelings he had fought to contain escaped him, “Everything is different.  I thought I could get back into my routine when I went back to work, but nothing is the same.”

“What do you need?” Yuri asked, taking his hand again and rubbing Otabek’s rough skin with his thumb.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “A time machine?”

“If I could, you know I’d build it for you,” Yuri said, giving Otabek a lopsided smile when he chuckled sadly.

“I know,” Otabek agreed, “I’m tired of being treated differently.  They act like I’m crippled or need to be coddled.  When I go somewhere, everyone stops talking and either whisper or go out of their way to help me.  It’s so hard not to explode and scream at everybody.”

“I know how that feels.”

“I know you do and now I’m sorry I pushed you,” Otabek stated.

“I’m not,” Yuri confessed, “Yeah, you pissed me off at the time, but you helped me break free. You helped me live again.”

“That’s what I want,” Otabek said, pleading with Yuri, “I have a second chance.  When you said I was gone for over twenty minutes, I knew I wanted to cherish every moment I have left.  It’s so hard though. I feel so lonely. I just want to be alive while I’m here.”

Yuri stared at him for several seconds before standing, helping Otabek to his feet.  Yuri had been debating the thought that stayed with him since Otabek’s last skin graft had been declared successful.  Leading Otabek into the bedroom, Yuri carefully undressed him and eased him onto the mattress before removing his own clothes.  Climbing over him, Yuri kissed Otabek and smiled at him.

“This isn’t going to fix everything, but the hatred is gone between us now. May I help you feel alive?  Let me love you.  Please?” Yuri asked.

Otabek had casually mentioned to Yuri that during his last checkup, he’d been told he could resume sexual activity if he wished.  Otabek was terrified at the thought as his body had changed so much and he didn’t know how it would affect his libido. Yuri picked up on his reluctance and told him they’d take it at his pace.  The subject hadn’t been brought up until now and Otabek wanted nothing more than to make love with Yuri, but he was afraid.

“I’m not who I was, Yura,” he whispered.

“I know, and I love you so much more now than I did then,” Yuri professed, “I love every inch of you and that’s never going to change.”

Otabek thought for several moments before closing his eyes and nodding.  He was convinced they would have sex and didn’t know if he was ready, but Yuri surprised him.  He spent hours kissing every bit of Otabek’s body and murmuring words of compassion.  Otabek wept softly as Yuri continued his gentle ministrations.  Though they didn’t make love, Yuri knew exactly what Otabek needed at that moment, making him feel truly alive in almost a year.

“Thank you, Yura,” he said as Yuri held him when they were finished.

“Thank you,” Yuri said, emphasizing the last word, “I know this was hard for you.  You don’t know how happy I am you opened up to me.  I love you.”

“Yura?” Otabek asked, looking into emerald green eyes and waiting for Yuri to nod, “I love you too.”

Yuri smiled brightly, the love he had for Otabek overwhelming when he kissed him.  Once they broke apart, he held Otabek until he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

That night had been a turning point for Otabek.  He had talked with the chief and explained he didn’t feel needed within the department, effectively submitting his resignation.  The chief told him he wasn’t surprised as he thought Otabek wouldn’t be ready to return to active duty and offered him a different position.  He said Otabek had stayed true to his word when he hired him, training harder and learning more than any rookie ever had.  Though he had only been with the department for four years, Otabek had as much knowledge as a seasoned veteran.  The chief was always impressed with Otabek’s willingness to take additional shifts or agreeing to pitch in during a difficult call.  It earned him the respect of not only his peers but the chief himself.  He wanted to create a new position within the department and wanted Otabek to lead the program.

Otabek agreed and was officially the lead trainer for the new firefighter academy the town founded.

His mental state improved as well.  Otabek had finally told his counselor what had been bothering him since returning home.  He felt like a weight had been lifted from him after telling someone besides Yuri.  When he encouraged Otabek to join a grief group he ran one night each week, Otabek initially balked at the idea. His counselor talked to Otabek to get him to realize not only had he lost friends in the fire, but he had also lost who he had been and it was natural for him to feel the way he did.  After talking to Yuri about it, Otabek never missed a group session.

The change in his position allowed him more time with Yuri and he loved it.  They went out on dates often, and their love for each other grew.  They spent a lot of time at a local bookstore, often coming home with bags of books that would take them years to finish.  Otabek had recently begun to wear glasses while reading as his eyesight had started to fade.  When Yuri came into the room and his eyes fell on Otabek, his hunger for him rushed to the surface. Several times he ripped the novel from Otabek’s hands, kissing him senseless before dragging him into the bedroom and devouring him. 

Finally reclaiming his sex life, Otabek knew he was ready to take the next step with Yuri.  He had a few weeks off since he had another skin graft and was recovering from it.  Yuri had the late shift that week and came home exhausted each night, falling into Otabek’s lap and chatted about the day he had.  Otabek had been going over the discussion he wanted to have with Yuri in his mind all day, gathering the courage to go through with his plan.

“Move in with me,” he blurted, grinning when Yuri looked at him in surprise.

“What?” Yuri asked.

“Let’s make it official,” Otabek said, “Move in with me.”

“You’re serious,” Yuri murmured.

“Dead serious.  Will you?”

The exuberant nod from Yuri lifted Otabek’s heart and soul, knowing everything had finally fallen into place again.

 

* * *

 

Otabek was confused and worried.

His and Yuri’s life together had been going better than he could anticipate.  They were so in tune now it was as if they could read the others mind.  Otabek felt like Yuri had been in his life for years and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

But then Yuri changed.

He didn’t revert back to the behavior of when they first met, but Yuri became distant.  Otabek could tell he was repressing anger and trying not to lash out at others.  Each time he asked what was wrong, Yuri told Otabek he was fine.

It finally clicked one afternoon while Otabek was setting up the schedule for the next class of trainees.  He was splitting the timing of training sessions and counted the days the students would be in live training.  When his gaze fell on a particular date, Otabek’s breath caught.

_It’s the third anniversary…_

Otabek called Yuri’s supervisor and requested to speak with him since he wasn’t answering his phone, but had been informed he’d already left for the day.  Otabek decided to cut the day short, telling the chief he was heading out and he’d see him tomorrow.  He admonished himself on the drive home for forgetting such an important event in Yuri’s life.  Otabek wanted to apologize to Yuri for being centered solely on his needs, vowing to be there for the reminder of the tragic accident that changed Yuri’s life.

When he arrived home, Otabek yelled for Yuri but it was silent within the house.  The curtains were drawn and Otabek knew it was unusual.  Yuri’s car was in the driveway and the minute he got home, Yuri loved to let the sunlight in.  Trying to stifle the worry building in him, Otabek scoured the house, halting when he entered their shared room.

A slender foot was sticking out of the closet and Otabek walked to it, kneeling when he reached the entrance.  Yuri was huddled with his knees pressed against his chest and crying violently.  When Otabek reached out for him, Yuri instinctively batted his hands away.  Otabek watched helplessly until Yuri looked up, his anguished expression crumbling as he fell into Otabek’s open arms. 

“I’m so sorry, Yura,” he whispered, “I’ve been so involved in getting me back on track, I’ve neglected you.”

“I’ve been trying to hide it,” Yuri admitted through sobs, “You have more to worry about than I do.”

“Nonsense,” Otabek countered.

“It’s worse this year,” Yuri whispered, “I’m constantly hearing their screams.  I see Sadie kicking against her car seat and Taylor beating on the window.  I can’t get it out of my mind. I can't deal with their spirits anymore.  It’s driving me crazy.”

“What do you need me to do?” he asked.

“Remember what we talked about a while back last time I had a night terror?” Yuri asked, watching Otabek nod, “I think it’s time.  Please help me help myself.”

Otabek hated Yuri had come to this decision but knew it was necessary.  Promising to stay with Yuri and be strong for him, Otabek packed a bag while Yuri sat on the bed, watching him.

 

* * *

 

Yuri voluntarily checked himself into a mental facility specializing in post-traumatic stress disorder.  He had taken a few patients to the center when they had reached the end of their rope and became suicidal.  While he wasn’t a harm to himself or others yet, Yuri knew it wouldn’t take much for him to snap and fall back into old habits. 

His treatment lasted three weeks and Otabek visited every day.  Yuri had his good and bad days but promised he’d never take it out on him.  They had disagreements and Yuri realized it was because he was on edge, apologizing to Otabek next time he saw him.  Otabek stood by him every step of the way.

Yuri knew he had a long way to go before he could find closure and come to terms with events of the past, but he felt he was finally on the right path.  He was on medication that helped stabilize his mood, enrolled in therapy and had found effective methods to deal with his anger.  He and Otabek had enrolled in an art class and Yuri found it relaxing.  Otabek had surprised him with his own art supplies to keep at home and Yuri used them often.  Therapy had dragged up the past he had buried for so long and left him feeling raw.  No words were necessary when Yuri entered a depressive period, Otabek content with sitting in a chair to watch Yuri paint.

“Hey,” Yuri said one night when he finished painting, Otabek looking up from the book he was engrossed in.

“What’s up?”

“I want to tell you something,” Yuri said, falling onto Otabek’s lap and grinning when a gasp escaped him.

“What do you want to tell me?”

“I’m sorry for how I treated you when we first met,” he said seriously.

“You already apologized,” Otabek said, reminding him.

“This is part of my healing, Beka.  I need to say it from the bottom of my heart.  I was horrible to you and used you. I’ll never be able to express how sorry I am and I’m so glad you gave me a chance.  I’ve told you before and I’m going to tell you again, but you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“It’s ok, Yura.  I forgive you,” he said, kissing Yuri briefly before smiling at him.

“You know what this means, right?” Yuri asked.

“What?”

“We can only go forward from here,” Yuri revealed, lowering his head and kissing Otabek tenderly.

 


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After many years, Yuri learns how to let go.
> 
>  
> 
> “I’m sorry it’s been so long since I visited. I didn’t know what to say until now.”
> 
> Yuri sat on the ground in front of the large granite marker and placed the bouquet he was holding at the base of the stone. It was just shy of ten years since the accident that forever changed him, and he had fought tooth and nail to get where he was now. The journey had been long and painful, but Yuri was stronger than he had ever been.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've come to the end and as I sit here with tears in my eyes, I'm amazed at how much this has impacted not only me but those that have reached out to me about Firestarter as well. This has been the hardest thing I have written to date. I've read through it a couple times and have been reduced to tears myself. While I haven't experienced this exact situation, the feeling is there. Honestly, I was going to write this and keep it on my hard drive. Then I looked back at it and thought you guys might appreciate it. I truly hope you have.
> 
> There are no notes or explanations for this chapter. Theme song? I was stuck on two this time.  
> [Best Day of My Life by American Authors](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y66j_BUCBMY) and [Safe and Sound by The Capital Cities](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyNnOxpGfKo).
> 
> I want to thank everyone for taking this journey with me. We've sunk so low and risen so high. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.
> 
> I hope you like the ending of Firestarter, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

“I’m sorry it’s been so long since I visited.  I didn’t know what to say until now.”

Yuri sat on the ground in front of the large granite marker and placed the bouquet he was holding at the base of the stone.  It was just shy of ten years since the accident that forever changed him, and he had fought tooth and nail to get where he was now.  The journey had been long and painful, but Yuri was stronger than he had ever been. 

“So much has changed since you left.  Some things are better and others not so much, but I’m sure you see it all.  What do you think about those new electric cars they came out with last year?” Yuri asked, chuckling as he stared at the stone.

He knew he was rambling about things that didn’t matter, running his hand along the etched letters as he wondered if they’d mind the trivial topics.  He’d played this conversation over in his mind for years and knew it was time to confront the final thread holding him to that tragic night.  Yuri had brought up his dilemma with Otabek many times over the years and was always relieved when he was told to take it at his own pace.

“I’ve changed as well,” Yuri whispered, “After the accident, I was so angry and blamed everyone for what happened to you.  I blamed myself and became so cold.  I’ve lost count of how many times I wanted to go back and change that night.”

Yuri closed his eyes and thought about his personality shift that occurred virtually overnight.  He had seen other rescuers fall into the pit of despair over a loss of someone, but Yuri took it harder than most.  Remembering the many nights he spent losing himself in his destructive habit, Yuri was honestly surprised he hadn’t destroyed himself.  He’d drank himself into oblivion dozens of times, ripped rooms in his apartment to shreds when his explosive temper overflowed, the nights he’d wondered if he’d wake up the next day after taking too many Ativan pills in an attempt to calm his raging nerves.  It was the darkest time he’d had in his life and he found himself wondering how he was still among the living.

He thought he would be able to outrun the ghosts chasing him when he left the capital.  The change in scenery helped for a few days, but the nightmares and flashbacks returned with a vengeance.  Throwing himself into his career to drown out the pain, it worked for Yuri for a while until someone threatened the hold on his sanity.

The day Otabek introduced himself and Yuri saw the kindness in his dark brown eyes, he knew he was in trouble.  The months that followed were not easy for him.  Yuri continuously fought the urge to succumb to Otabek’s kindness, but didn’t want to rely on a firefighter.  It was their fault he was in this position.  Yuri kept on with his job and ignored Otabek the best he could, but he kept running into the guy. 

The additional losses chiseled away at his wall, Yuri eventually reaching out for Otabek.  He hated that their relationship started the way it had and wished he could take it back so many times.  By the time Yuri realized what he wanted from Otabek, it was almost too late.

Otabek had received the brunt of a backdraft, Yuri thinking he had lost him forever.

While the emergency room staff fought to bring Otabek back to life, Yuri had sat huddled in the hallway, leaning against the wall and crying like he had never before.  The smile Otabek gave him as he filled him was center in his mind.  Yuri knew he had taken advantage of Otabek and it gnawed at him.  He didn’t believe in a higher power after losing the family in the explosion, but that night he prayed more than ever.

God must have forgiven him and heard his pleas. Otabek survived.

Otabek’s accident was a turning point in Yuri’s life.  He had been shook to his very foundation when he realized how much Otabek meant to him and came so close to losing him forever.  He vowed the second he found out he’d be there for Otabek’s recovery.  It was different having Otabek depend on him and Yuri was thankful he was there for him. 

Then the day arrived when Otabek told him to leave, Yuri thinking his heart had been ripped from his chest once more.

Yuri didn’t find out until later Otabek had seen his scars for the first time that day.  He had apologized profusely to Otabek and begged for a second chance.  Just when he thought he was being rejected entirely, Yuri told Otabek he loved him.  He had never felt for anyone like he did Otabek and refused to give up on him

Otabek changed his mind albeit reluctantly and Yuri was over the moon.  He spent months proving how much Otabek had captured his heart, caring for and listening to him.  Yuri was the only one Otabek saw on a daily basis and he grew used to having him there.  His trust for Yuri had increased considerably along with his love.  But he had demons of his own now and was terrified of being cast aside, so he kept his love for Yuri to himself.

Yuri continued to care for Otabek months after being released from the hospital.  He took him to numerous appointments during that time.  It never ceased to amaze Otabek how long Yuri waited during various therapy sessions or several surgeries he went through, a smile always on his face the next time he saw Otabek.

When Otabek withdrew emotionally from him, Yuri thought their life together was over.

Yuri felt Otabek slipping away more each day until he couldn’t take it any longer.  He had been stunned when Otabek had yelled at him and eventually confessed his fears.  Yuri knew Otabek had a difficult time adjusting to his new life, but he hid his misery well.  He remembered his own desolation after the loss of the family and knew actions spoke louder than words.

Yuri spent the rest of the evening loving Otabek, gently kissing every expanse of skin on his body. 

It had been a turning point for Otabek and he made several changes in his life.  Yuri was so proud of him and encouraged him every step of the way.  He listened to Otabek talk excitedly about his new experiences and was genuinely interested.  While Otabek was a kind soul who helped all, Yuri had never seen him this animated.  It left him thankful he was sharing this with Otabek.

The impending third anniversary of the accident had Yuri falling into the depths of hell once again, finding himself more depressed than ever.

Yuri perfected his mask and fought to maintain serenity with those around him until he couldn’t take it anymore. He had been at work after helping a choking baby that afternoon when flashes of Sadie crying bombarded him.  Feeling a panic attack threaten to consume him after the baby was safe, Yuri informed his supervisor he was ill and would like the rest of the day off.  He thanked her when she agreed and raced home, retreating to the closet before breaking down.  When Otabek found him, Yuri knew he couldn’t keep up his charade and needed help.

Committing himself wound up being the best decision he ever made.

Yuri had a lot of time in the hospital to think about what he wanted.  His inpatient therapist suggested he make a list of his possibilities and helped him research each of them.  He had a new idea to discuss with Otabek during visitation and appreciated his honest opinion.  Some of them didn’t fit him, but Otabek promised to support Yuri if he wanted to attempt them.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri said, shaking his head and smiling, “I’m a horrible conversationalist.  While I was in the hospital, I actually reflected on my life.  Grandpa’s words came back to me so many times, and I think I realized then I took his most important piece of advice and twisted it horribly.  After you died, I thought I could save everyone.  Yeah, I was good at my job but I wasn’t helping anybody, especially myself.  That’s when I decided to go back to school.

“It’s been a rough road and I don’t know how in the hell I did it, but I finally got my masters in psychology,” Yuri said, smiling as he remembered the graduation ceremony, “You know by now how much my rescue family means to me and I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving them.  It took me a while, but I finally figured out what I wanted to do.  I couldn’t keep beating myself up each time I lost a patient and watched my brothers and sisters do the same.  When the idea came to me, I set up an appointment with the commander and mayor.  I’m sure you knew how nervous I was, but it was important to me. 

“I hope you smiled when The Hansen Recovery Project became a reality. I head the program now. We accept emergency workers from all over the country and help them work through the pain of losing those they’re sent to save.  I’m sure you realize by now most of us have a god complex, and it’s time we get rid of it.  I like helping those that come to us for therapy.  I think what really drives me is the workshops we have with companies trying to get them to overcome that mentality. I couldn’t think of a better name than yours.  I found it fitting since I couldn’t save you.  Charlotte, your mom and dad were there at the dedication.  When they came up to me and thanked me for fighting to save you, Robert, and your babies, I lost it.  I think that’s when I knew everything was going to be alright.  I wasn’t being blamed by those closest to you, so why did I blame myself?”

Yuri paused when he heard the dry grass crunch next to him, seeing Otabek sitting next to him.  Taking the cloth handed to him, Yuri smiled when Otabek lifted his hand and kissed the gold band on his finger.  Yuri turned his attention back to the gravestone and wiped the dirt away.  When they had arrived, Yuri had been saddened by the state of the site and asked Otabek to find something to help tidy the grave.  After a brief kiss, Otabek told him he’d be back in a few minutes.

“You haven’t been formally introduced.  This is my husband, Otabek Altin,” Yuri said, squeezing Otabek’s hand, “But I call him Beka.”

“Nice to meet you,” Otabek said, “I’ve heard so much about each of you.”

Yuri fell quiet, simply content in the moment.  It had taken him so many tears, so much agony to reach this point in his life.  After years of counseling and Otabek’s love, Yuri knew he was ready.  It was time.

“I know I’ve only visited you once since you were buried, and I’m sure you’ll understand that this will be the last.  It’s time for me to move on,” Yuri said, stifling a cry as he knew he was finally letting go, “I thought you were my demons for so long, but I know now you're my guardian angels. While I fought everything and everyone, you were looking out for me and brought Beka into my life. It hurts so much I couldn't save you, but thank you so much. He's my heart and I'd be lost without him. I'm ok now, though. It's time for you to fly home. I'm free now. I want you to be too. I'll never forget you for as long as I live.”

Yuri stood up and helped Otabek to his feet.  Otabek lowered his head and captured Yuri’s lips in a gentle kiss, asking if he was sure.  When Yuri nodded, he wrapped his arm around Otabek’s waist, resting his head on his chest. 

“I’ll see you again when it’s time,” Yuri whispered, “But now it’s time to fully live the rest of my life."

 

**_~FIN~_ **


End file.
